


The Buddy List

by violethoure666



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 2006, 2007, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, High School AU, Like hardly tho, Obv they have weird history, Teenagers, surprise lmao, texting a stranger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-10-18 07:58:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17576951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: Rey gets an IM from a screen name she’s never seen before. Who the f*** is Kylo Ren?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Like_A_Dove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Like_A_Dove/gifts).



> ayyy back on my bullshit

_November 2006_

 

Rey Johnson stood in front of her mirror and let out a growling sound. Her hair was NOT cooperating. She grabbed her bottle of mousse and tried to scrunch her curls again, but they fell flat and greasy. Rey’s growl grew into a scream.

 

“I don’t have time for this,” she said, stomping her foot. She ran into the bathroom and ran her hair under the sink, grabbing a hair tie and pulling it up into a bun.

 

Curls would have to wait.

 

She grabbed her eyeliner pencil and filled in her eyes before running back to her room and grabbing a hoodie. She looked at herself in the mirror, dark jeans, a faded Brand New t-shirt and Converse. She sighed. Whatever, it wasn’t like there was anyone at school she was trying to impress.

 

She ran down the stairs.

 

“There’s coffee on the counter,” her mom said, voice carrying in from the kitchen.

 

“Thanks mom!” Rey called as she grabbed the paper cup and her keys.

 

The morning air was chilly, especially against her wet hair. It was true fall, all colorful leaves and the smell of rotting mulch and firewood, wet and alive.

 

Rey started her car (on the second try, the thing was falling apart) and shuffled through her CD booklet while she waited for the heat to kick in.

 

With a long sigh she pulled out of her driveway and headed to school.

 

The fog always lingered in the early mornings, making the twisting drive to school feel spooky and atmospheric in a way it never felt later in the day, when the sun broke through the clouds and everything was relentlessly bright. The Black Keys crooned through her car speakers.

 

She pulled into the student lot with her music still playing and began throwing things into her bag. She flipped open her phone— no messages.

 

Suddenly there was a banging sound and Rey screamed. She looked to her left and saw Poe Dameron and Finnley Laurence cracking up. One of them had slammed a hand down on her window.

 

Scowling, Rey grabbed her tote bag and her binder and stepped out of her car.

 

“Ah, the future leaders of America,” she said, tilting her head in mock adoration. “Charming.”

 

“You make—“ Poe spat the words out between fits of laughter, “the cutest, dumbest surprised face I’ve ever seen.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes but she was smiling as she turned away from them and headed down toward the quad.

 

“You guys are so stupid,” she said playfully, bumping shoulders with Finn.

 

“Trueeee,” Finn said, bumping her shoulder in return.

 

“Did you finish your paper for AP lit?” Finn asked her.

 

Rey nodded.

 

“Yeah I finished it a couple of days ago, I chose Faulkner but I kind of wish I hadn’t. I had to use cliff notes even though I read the whole thing.”

 

“I did another Shakespeare play so obviously same,” Finn said.

 

Rey nodded sympathetically. She had loaded up her junior and senior year with as many AP courses as she could, determined to give herself a boost when she got to college, but she didn’t love AP lit. Rey liked facts, she liked numbers, she didn’t like the idea of work constantly being up for debate and interpretation.

 

Personally she thought Shakespeare would be rolling over in his grave if he could hear some of the shit teenagers said about him.

 

They rounded a corner and Poe winked at Finn and waved to Rey before heading upstairs. Finn and Rey walked into AP lit and sat down next to each other.

 

Rey tried to rub her tired eyes without messing up her makeup as Finn nervously twisted his hands.

 

“You think she’ll believe me that my printer didn’t work?”

 

“Probably not,” Rey said, patting Finn’s shoulder sympathetically. Rey didn’t love AP lit but she always had her homework done.

 

“Good morning,” Ms. Holdo said, sweeping into the room. “Before we get started why don’t you pass up your essays, then we’re going to talk about Hamlet.”

 

Rey liked Ms. Holdo, she was sympathetic and engaging without being a pushover. Rey probably would have despised AP lit if it wasn’t for her.

 

Finn pretending to shuffle with paperwork until everything had been turned in and class quieted down.

 

“So, let’s talk about Hammy,” Ms. Holdo said. “Who can tell me what they think the main theme of the story is?”

 

From the other side of the room, Ben Solo’s hand shot into the air. Rey rolled her eyes, of course he had an answer.

 

“Ben?” Ms. Holdo asked.

 

“Revenge,” Ben said.

 

“Definitely, tell me more.”

 

“Well Hamlet has been tasked with avenging his father by his father’s ghost, he alone knows the truth and knows what he has to do, but he hates it.”

 

“Hates what?”

 

“The responsibility,” Ben said seriously. He always sounded serious. “This is the last thing Hamlet wants to be doing, he’s not cut out for that kind of life. Honestly, if you ask me, his father couldn’t have picked a worst person to task with avenging him.”

 

Rey had to admit it was a little impressive, he seemed to have a better grasp on the text than sparknotes. Ben Solo was totally the kind of person who would write sparknotes, actually.

 

“Very good Ben,” Ms. Holdo said with a smile. She liked Ben, Rey could tell. Rey had a feeling that all of the teachers would like Ben if he didn’t get into so many fights or sometimes punch walls. But alas—

 

Rey tried to pay attention and absorb everything as students gave their input, but it was always hard to retain information before she finished her coffee. She knew she had to take good notes though, Finn would need them also.

 

By the time the bell rang Rey was feeling caffeinated.

 

“I gotta explain why I don’t have an essay to Holdo,” Finn said as Rey grabbed her stuff. “I’ll see you in history later.”

 

Rey gave Finn an encouraging smile and headed out of the classroom. She fished her phone out of her pocket and saw a text from Rose.

 

**Rose** **Tico**

Saving u a seat @ art :p

 

Rey smiled at her phone for only a split second before she collided with something hard and sharp.

 

“Ouch! Shit sorry—“ she looked up, and up a little more, into the eyes of Ben Solo. He was staring at her like she had just killed his cat. Rey swallowed. “Sorry, I uhm— I wasn’t looking and—“

 

“Save it, Johnson,” Ben said, and he rolled his eyes. Rey bristled. He could be such a dick. Most of the time he pretended he didn’t know her, which was almost funny considering their parents had been friends since before they were born, and when he did acknowledge her it was only to roll his eyes or dismiss her. She couldn’t figure out why he still hung around at all. Because he liked Poe, she supposed.

 

Rey tried not to let it get to her as she pushed past him and down the hall to art class.

 

Rey loved art. She had doubled up on classes sophomore and junior year to make sure she had enough elective space for two art classes her senior year. It was the best part of her day, made better by the fact that she had class with Rose. It was a chance to gossip and giggle and just be silly. Also, Rey loved painting.

 

It was lunchtime before the sun finally poked out of the clouds.

 

Rey met her friends on the quad at their usual table. Poe and Finn and Rose were all seated, along with Kaydel Connix and Christine Phasma. Rey looked around for Ben, usually he ate with them but sometimes he was missing for all of lunch, holed up in the AV lab making beats or recording drum solos.

 

Not today though. She caught sight of him heading toward the table.

 

He was too tall, every year he sprouted by inches and he had to be 6’3 by now, thin but not too. He ran track and swam which meant he had gone from a whip thin 14 year old to a not totally un-muscled 18 year old over the last four years.

 

Not that Rey noticed. She didn’t. Ben Solo was the worst.

 

“Soloooo,” Poe said, a wide grin on his handsome face. “Come here buddy.”

 

Ben and Poe made an odd pair, but their friendship was long standing and clearly important to both of them. Poe was the only person who made Ben smile.

 

Ben sat down next to Poe, backwards so his long legs could stretch out as he rested his back against the table.

 

“You know what I heard?” Poe said, nudging Ben who had closed his eyes to turn his face into the sun.

 

Rey watched him, the way his cheekbones looked sharp in their own shadows.

 

“I heard Tina Davis likes you.”

 

Ben opened his eyes and looked at Poe.

 

“No shit?” he said.

 

Poe held his fingers up and said, “Scout’s honor man. I heard her telling Stacy.”

 

Ben seemed to consider this, Rey watched his jaw work as his head cocked. She looked away, probably had been looking too long.

 

She flipped open her phone for something to do, listening.

 

“She’s super hot,” Ben said.

 

Rey closed her phone and leaned in to Rose.

 

“Didn’t you say you got in a fight with your sister?”

 

This was a sure fire way to distract herself for the next ten minutes at least. Rose launched into a long winded story about a shared pair of shoes and a definitely not shared eyeliner.

 

Rey didn’t pay any attention to Ben Solo for the rest of the day.

  
_September_ _2002_

 

Rey was sitting alone on the bench outside of history. She had talked back to Mr. Richards and was sent into the hallway as punishment.

 

Rey was both embarrassed and emboldened. She was almost thirteen and she had braces all the way to her tonsils and she felt awkward all the time, but there was something freeing about being kicked out of class.

 

Rey Johnson, rebel.

 

She looked up at the sound of footsteps, worried it was a teacher, but it was only Ben. She sighed as her stomach twisted up.

 

Her crush Ben Solo had gotten a little out of control. It was just that even when she tried not to think about Ben, she thought about Ben.

 

His hands were so much bigger than hers and veined in a way that was alien. His nose and his Adam’s apple stuck out and she watched his sharp profile when he spoke and felt her heart speed up.

 

And he smelled so good.

 

They were friends, or friendly, at least, and they had hung out countless times as kids. Their parents were old college friends.

 

“Hey,” Ben said, and Rey smiled at him with her mouth closed, hiding her braces.

 

“Hey,” she said, drawing one leg up to rest her chin on her knee.

 

Ben looked serious as he shuffled his weight from one foot to another.

 

“Can I ask you something?” he said.

 

Rey swallowed her pulse down and nodded.

 

“Do you uhm— do you like me?”

 

He looked— he looked confused, and uncomfortable, and not at all hopeful or sweet or any of the things that Rey had pictured in her mind.

 

“I— what?” she sputtered.

 

“It’s just Poe said something about Finn saying something and I mean, I figured no way because like, you know, but I just figured I’d clear it up?”

 

His hands were shoved down in his pockets and Rey couldn’t breathe. This was her nightmare, no WAY Ben could know the truth. She would die.

 

“Poe’s stupid,” Rey said with a shrug. “I said something about liking you totally as a joke, obviously not for real. Maybe Poe didn’t get it.”

 

Rey tried to sound casual. Calm. Not panicking.

 

Ben’s face did something and he stepped back. A voice in Rey’s head told her to take it back, to just tell him. But he was looking at her now with mild disgust and she couldn’t tell him now, he could never know.

 

“Okay,” Ben said, eying her as he stepped back further.

 

Ben Solo didn’t talk to her much after that.

 

Rey figured it was for the best.

  


_November_ _2006_

  


Rey lived in a regular looking house on a regular looking street. She had regular parents who still seemed to get along at least, even if they didn’t seem wildly in love. Both her parents worked until dinnertime, so Rey always came home to an empty house.

 

She liked it that way.

 

Sometimes she would sit in her backyard and smoke a cigarette. Sometimes she would skim sips off the tops of all the bottles. She could always say she had already eaten and was doing homework and no one would question her. The Johnson’s had always believed in privacy.

 

Privacy was good, yes, company would have been better. Still, Rey couldn’t really complain. She didn’t know why she sometimes felt like something was really, really wrong with her. Sometimes her thoughts were just so dark. She was so jealous of people with siblings, someone who just knew all the weird, dark crap about you and loved you anyway, even if they fought like Rose and Paige.

 

Rey warmed up a microwave burrito before heading to her room. She had homework to do but she wanted to veg out first.

 

She sat down at her computer and sifted through her music, settling on Andrew Bird. She opened AIM.

 

Most of her friends signed in right after school too, and little door opening sounds pinged softly in the background of her music.

 

**Poe** _ **Damnnnnnn**

 

**Rosie_the_Riveting**

 

**Payyygeteec**

 

**Drum** _ **Solo**

 

**FlipKickFinn**

 

K_ **Dell** _ **xXx**

 

_ **itsphasma**

 

Rey smiled at her buddy list and bit into her burrito.

  


**FlipKickFinn** : ayyyyy

 

**Rey** _ **89** : surrrp

 

**FlipKickFinn** : nm just have to actually do this whole essay 2night

 

**Rey** _ **89** : im prayn for you

 

**FlipKickFinn** : lmaoooonthanks

 

Rey laughed softly, she could picture Finn’s face perfectly. She took another bite of her burrito when a new box popped up.

 

**Message** **Request** **from** **Kylo** _ **Ren**

 

Rey chewed her too big bite, using her hand to wipe her mouth before clicking accept

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : hey

 

Rey had no idea who this was.

 

**Rey** _ **89** : sup

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : nm

 

Weird. She narrowed her eyes at the computer screen.

 

**Rey** _ **89** : sorry mate I’m out of the loop, who is this?

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : we go to school together

 

Rey huffed a sigh.

 

**Rey** _ **89** : right, that narrows it down lol

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : you don’t know me, we’ve never spoken

 

**Rey** _ **89** : okayyy and you’re messaging me now because?

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : i saw the painting you did with the deer and the forest, it was amazing

 

Rey blinked at her screen. It wasn’t the first time she had gotten a random message on AIM. People were always making other accounts and sending ridiculous messages, but it was the first time someone she didn’t know was commenting on her art. Rey couldn’t help but feel a little flattered.

 

**Rey** _ **89** : oh lol thanks. I’m sure if you find me irl I’d be happy to talk :)

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : maybe

 

Rey’s heart was racing.

 

**Rey** _ **89** : well anyway, that’s rly nice to hear :)

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : how did you learn how to paint like that

 

**Rey** _ **89** : oh uhhh idk lol. I mean I always like art class and stuff, and I did some private classes a few years ago. Mostly I think I just practiced a lot because it’s fun.

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : sometimes I have dreams where I make things instead of ruin them

 

Rey looked at her screen, brain moving too slow to tell her fingers to type. Who was this kid?

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : anyway I g2g

 

**Kylo** _ **Ren** **has** **signed** **off**

 

Everything else on Rey’s buddy list stayed the same, but something inside of her had shifted. She logged offline and put on music instead, opening her history textbook and trying not to think about Kylo Ren or Ben Solo or anyone at all.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

It rained for a week before the sun finally decided to come back out for one last hurrah. Everyone headed to the park after school, savoring the warmth on their skin.

 

Finn and Rey settled onto the bench and pulled out homework. Rey was in AP trig and Finn was in Calculus, so she helped him almost every Friday.

 

Rey flipped open her notebook.

 

“Okay, show me where you’re stuck,” she said, “write down a few that stumped you.”

 

Finn took the notebook and began copying problems down from his math book. Rey looked over at the blacktop.

 

Hux, Poe, Ben and Phasma were playing two on two. It was warm enough with all the running that Ben was in just a white tee shirt and dark jeans, hoodie and jacket discarded. His hair was curling with sweat around his ears and Rey’s eyes moved across his shoulders (when did they get so broad?) and down to where his hips narrowed.

 

Ben reached for the ball, arms raised enough that his shirt pulled up and Rey’s eyes caught like cotton on a blackberry bush. His skin was so pale, dotted with moles and dark hair trailing down—

 

“Hello? Did you hear a word I just said?” Finn stepped on her foot.

 

“Ouch! What?” Rey blushed as she turned to face her friend.

 

Finn was smirking at her.

 

“I said I’m ready to start.”

 

“Right, same. Okay.” Rey took the notebook from Finn and started going over the problem with him, fighting every impulse to turn her face back to the game in progress. She waited until Finn had taken the notebook and was attempting to solve the equation before looking up again.

 

She felt the blood rush under skin. Ben was shirtless.

 

It wasn’t _that_ warm….

 

Rey licked her lips as she watched the muscles of his back move under his skin, the pale skin flushed from running.

 

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Finn said, smacking Rey’s thigh.

 

“What!”

 

“Your middle school crush on Ben Solo is showing.”

 

“Oh my god, what?! I do not— Finn that’s ridiculous, I— it’s not like that—“

 

Finn just laughed and shook his head but a second later he was staring too. Poe had stripped his shirt as well.

 

“Nice,” Rey said, smacking Finn’s thigh and rolling her eyes.

 

“Hey,” Finn said, raising his hands, “I’m not even gonna deny it. I can learn to live with my desires, Rey, can you?”

 

“Oh _whatever_. I do not like Ben. Give me that notebook,” she snapped.  

 

Rey kept her eyes on their homework for the rest of the afternoon.

 

Mostly.

 

  
~~~~  
  
  


That day at the park had been the last decent day of the year. The weather dropped hard and fast after that.

 

The end of the semester meant the school put on a coffee shop style show in the library.

 

There were always carafes of coffee and pastries for sale and a little stage set up for people to play music on.

 

It was open to anyone, unlike the talent show and bigger productions, and it had a laid back vibe to it.

 

Everyone always went.

 

It was snowing lightly when Rey pulled into the student lot. The sun had gone down as school was letting out hours before, so it was dark as she meandered across campus.

 

Being at school at night always felt illicit, even if it wasn’t really. Rey looked in the darkened classroom windows as she wound her way down the library.

 

Rey was in Hard Tail pants and a hoodie with old Uggs on. She wasn’t really a dressing up type, and the only makeup she really wore was eyeliner.

 

She wore a lot of it, though.

 

Rey pulled open the library doors and was met with warm light and the smell of cinnamon and coffee.

 

The stage was still being set up, and Rey caught a glimpse of Ben helping to plug in amps and organize instruments.

 

She went to the back of the room to get a cup of coffee and found Rose.

 

“I’m so glad you’re here!” Rose said, grabbing Rey into a hug. Rey squeezed the smaller girl before pulling back and buying a one dollar donut.

 

“Me too,” Rey said, leaning against the wall. “And I’m so glad it’s winter break.”

 

“Did you finish all your applications?” Rose asked.

 

“God, yeah, I don’t even wanna think about it anymore.”

 

“Fair enough,” Rose said with a laugh. “Where’s Finn?”

 

“It’s his grandma’s birthday,” Rey said and rose nodded.

 

Suddenly the lights dimmed and a voice spoke from the stage.

 

“Hello! Welcome to last coffee house of 2006! Thanks to everyone for coming out and to Ben and Adrian for setting everything up. We have some great acts tonight so let’s get started! Kicking us off we have your favorite senior boys, Hux, Poe and Ben.”

 

Everyone clapped as the boys got on stage and started playing. It was a Queens of the Stone Age song that Rey had heard before. Something about ships passing in the night. It was just mellow enough to make the coffee house cut.

 

Rey watched Ben as he played the drums. He’d been playing for as long as she could remember, he’d had a kit in his room even when he was a kid. She used to think it was annoying as hell, but watching him over the last few years, well…

 

His face was screwed up in almost obscene ways as he worked the sticks against the drums, hair curling with sweat.

 

Rey ate up the excuse to watch him. She was glad Finn wasn’t here to tease her. She was allowed to stare when he was on stage.

 

And he was on stage _a lot._

 

Ben played all kinds of instruments and he ran the AV club and made electronic music, so everyone asked him to help out by jumping on bass or drums or monitoring sound.

 

It was the longest stretch of time that Rey had been able to just _look_ at him in a long time.

 

Rey ate like six donuts and had two cups of coffee and by the time the show ended she was buzzing from sugar and caffeine.

 

Rose has left before the end of the night but Rey stayed behind to help take everything down.

 

Ben had his arms full of equipment when she turned and found herself blocking his way.

 

“I can help,” she said, holding her arms out.

 

“Just move, Rey.”

 

“Are you sure? I can—“

 

“Just _move,_ Rey,” Ben snapped.

 

Rey moved quickly out of the way and Ben pushed past her, breathing heavily.

 

Rey blinked back tears. She grabbed her bag from the back wall and slipped out of the library.

 

As she walked out into the falling snow she reminded herself that it was good to remember why she _definitely didn’t_ like Ben Solo.  
  
  
~~~  
  


After the first few days of winter break Rey was bored. The weather was shit, but she had the first two seasons of _House MD_ on DVD to keep her company. She was getting cabin fever.

 

She heard a ping from her desk right as House was yelling at Cuddy and looked over.

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : do you have anywhere you go when you literally can’t stand being in your room for a single second more

 

Rey swallowed as she looked at her screen.

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : funny, I was just thinking that.

 

And then because she was bored and bold—

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : we could go for a drive, I have a car…

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : I’ve seen your car and I wouldn’t trust it in the snow

 

Rey pouted. Who was this kid that he knew what car she drove?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : lol burn

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : trust me you wouldn’t wanna hang out w me

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : do you want to hang w me tho? Is that why you’re still messaging me?

 

She waited, suddenly worried he wouldn’t answer her.

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : where do you go when your sad Rey

 

Rey swallowed.

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : I just drive, usually. Sometimes I sneak out of my house after my parents fall asleep and see how far I can get before I have to turn around and be back before the sun comes up

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : how far have you gotten?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : 100 miles, middle of nowhere, you could see all the stars

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : mmmm

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : thanks, I’ll keep that in mind

 

_**Kylo** _ **Ren** **has** **signed** **off**_

 

Rey narrowed her eyes at her computer. Wilson was pleading with House to see reason in the background, House was remaining a stoic albeit difficult genius.

 

She turned back to the TV.

  
  
~~~  
  


Honestly, Rey hated New Year’s Eve. People were always chaotic, the energy was terrible.

 

Rey usually stayed home with her parents and sipped champagne and watched the ball drop. It wasn’t that she didn’t go to parties, she did. She liked them. But _not_ on New Years Eve.

 

“Ben’s not even going to be there,” her mother said, handing her a dry cleaner bag with a freshly pressed dress.  Kathleen Johnson looked a lot like Rey, but her eyes were smaller and her hair was lighter. Rey had her dad’s complexion and wide green eyes.

 

“It’s an adult engagement, honestly. You’ll be the only non-adult, although only technically for a few more days,” her mother winked.

 

Rey’s birthday was the first week of January. She would be eighteen in less than a week.

 

“You’re sure he won’t be there? You know we don’t get along, mom.”

 

“Leia said he’s out with Hux at some party. He’s not even coming home later.”

 

Rey wondered if Ben would fall into someone’s arms at midnight, if he was kissing someone or staying the night with them.

 

She nodded slowly. It would be nice to go to a _real_ adult New Year’s Eve party.

 

“Okay, sure.” Rey sighed and took the dress up to her room.

 

The dress was silver and beautiful and Rey spent an hour on her hair and another forty minutes attempting to put on makeup that wasn’t just eyeliner and by the time she was slipping a plain black cardigan over her dress she felt really pretty.

 

She was still nervous about going to the Solo’s. She knew Ben wouldn’t be there, but it was still his house, and indeed there were traces of him everywhere.

 

Leia opened the large, heavy front door and threw her arms around Rey.

 

“Oh my god,” she said pulling back to look at her, “I cannot believe how beautiful you are. Look at you, so grown up.”

 

Rey had heard this from adults in her life at least four times a year, every year since she was five so she just smiled as Leia led them to the living room.

 

The house was beautiful, different than Rey’s house of wood and soft colors. The Solo house was all white marble and leather furniture and paintings five feet across. It felt a little like a museum.

 

When Rey has asked about it years ago, her mom has just said, “Leia’s in politics,” as if this explained everything.

 

Everyone was gathered in the living room, drinking champagne and laughing. Rey’s eyes widened.

 

“Ms. Holdo!” she said, surprised to see her English teacher at Ben’s House.

 

“Hello Rey,” Ms. Holdo said with a smile. “We’re glad you could join us. It’s a shame Ben isn’t here too.”

 

“I guess,” Rey’s tone was a bit conspiratorial.

 

“Oh please,” Han said, and Rey could hear his words slurring together softly, butter melting into bread. “He’d just be a little shit like always. He’d hate this.”

 

Rey wasn’t sure if that was true. She figured Ben probably would have liked to be invited, at least.

 

“Ben is an incredibly insightful young man,” Ms. Holdo said, voice calm and musical. “He’s very intelligent.”

 

“You’re the only one who thinks so, sweetheart,” Han said with a tight lipped smile, and then he turned away, dismissing them. Rey looked over at Leia who was watching Han with keen eyes, but who said nothing at all to defend Ben.

 

Rey was given sparkling cider which was, _whatever_ , she swapped it out for champagne when no one was looking and once the adults were all well lubricated and she was feeling warm, she said she had to call Finn and excused herself.

 

Rey crept quietly up the stairs and headed for Ben’s room.

 

She hadn’t been up there in _years_ but she remembered the way. The door was pulled shut and she had a ridiculous impulse to _knock_ as if Ben were in here, hiding; or as if he might open the door and be ten years old again, like he was the last time she had come to play.

 

Rey opened the door, her guilt overwhelmed by her desire to _see_ where Ben slept.

 

She held her breath as she closed the door behind her.

 

The walls were dark, two black and two red and covered in posters for Queens of the Stone Age and Radiohead and My Morning Jacket. It wasn’t as messy as she would have expected but the bed was only half made and there were clothes on the floor, a pair of boxers.

 

Rey blushed. She shouldn’t be here, it was a total invasion of privacy and yet— she couldn’t help it.

 

Ben Solo felt so far away from her all the time, even when he was right in front of her. Her stupid middle school crush had never really faded, just rooted somewhere deeper and quieter.

 

He would kill her if he found her here. She would never be able to explain it.

 

Rey looked at the books on the shelf and she smelled one of his shirts, and his pillow, and then she sat down at his desk.

 

She moved the mouse for the computer, expecting a password, but the screen came to life. Rey saw the AIM icon.

 

She knew Kylo_Ren definitely was _not_ Ben Solo but a little conformation wouldn’t hurt.

 

She clicked the application and watched as the login screen popped up.

 

_**Drum** _ **Solo**_

 

She clicked the little arrow to the drop down menu and—

 

_**Kylo** _ **Ren**_

 

Rey lunged back, frantic to get away from the computer. She blinked at the screen, mouth open. How? How could Ben be Kylo? That made _no_ sense.

 

Panic crept in. She couldn’t be here, she could _not_ be here.

 

She glanced around quickly to make sure everything was exactly how she had left it, and she put the computer back to sleep.

 

She closed Ben’s door and went back to the living room.

 

She was dizzy.

 

“Mom? I don’t feel good.”

 

Her mother gave her the keys to the car and insisted they would take a taxi back later.

 

Rey didn’t argue, she normally wouldn’t drive after any amount drinks but the two glasses of champagne had been washed out by adrenaline and she needed to get _out._

 

As she drove home all she could think about was how much she fucking hated New Years Eve.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t drink and drive or whatever but if you’re worried Rey got home just fine ;)


	3. Chapter 3

  
Rey pulled into the driveway and sat in the car, shaking. She had been so focused on getting home she hadn’t let herself even _think_.

But she was thinking now.

_Ben_ _fucking_ _Solo_.

Why would he make a fake screen name just to talk to her? It made no sense…

She had thought Kylo liked her. He had complimented her painting and he asked her about what made her feel better when she was sad and he seemed so— intense.

Well that part tracked at least. Intense was a good word for Ben.

But why then?

It had to be to fuck with her. She thought about cheesy movies where a boy makes a bet about how he can get a loser girl to fall for him.

Or maybe he wanted her to tell her own secrets so he could embarrass her.

Was he that cruel? She didn’t think so but…

Rey paced her bedroom, eyeing her buddy list. No one was online. It was New Year’s Eve.

She went to the kitchen and pulled down a bottle of whiskey.

She poured some in a cup and added soda.

She put on Brand New’s new album and paced around.

Halfway through her drink she allowed herself to think it.

_Maybe_ _Ben_ _Solo_ _has_ _a_ _crush_ _on_ _you_.

Rey sat down on her bed and tried to catch her breath.

_He made a screen name just to talk to you. He told you he liked your art…_

But…

_Maybe_ _he’s_ _just_ _doing_ _it_ _to_ _trick_ _you_.

If Ben was doing it to embarrass her, to hurt her— she wasn’t sure she could handle that.

It would break her heart.

Rey took a steadying breath, put her hand on her stomach, finished her drink.

She waited for her breathing to even out before moving forward.

She didn’t have to do anything about it just yet. Ben had no idea that she knew the truth, how could he? She had time to see where this went, to see if he wanted to get to know her or if was just trying to pry embarrassing things out of her.

She wouldn’t give him any ammo.

Rey set the glass down with steady fingers.

_Ben_ _fucking_ _Solo_. _Game_ _on_.

  
~~~

  
Ben didn’t sign on at all that night. As his mother has promised, he clearly didn’t come home.

The champagne and whiskey put Rey to sleep just after midnight, wondering sleepily if Ben was kissing anyone at that very moment.

She woke up and went online immediately, rubbing her eyes. Her mouth was dry and her head hurt a little but she needed to know if Ben was online.

He wasn’t. It was nine in the morning. On New Year’s Day.

Rey groaned and went downstairs to start coffee and find food.

Her dreams that night had been strange and stressful. She had been looking for Ben everywhere but she couldn’t find him and time was running out.

The anxious feeling carried over and stayed with her until mid afternoon when it peaked at the sign on notification noise.

Rey moved from her bed to her computer in .003 seconds.

Kylo_Ren has signed on

Rey froze. She had never messaged him first, and suddenly she felt a terrifying squeeze in her stomach. Maybe she had been caught somehow, maybe Ben knew what she did.

She stared at the screen for a full minute before groaning and double clicking his screen name.

**Rey** _ **89** : happy new year

Rey bit her thumb nail as she waited for a response. It came almost instantly. She sighed.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : happy 2007

**Rey** _ **89** : did you have a good NYE?

Rey figured that was a normal thing to say.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : meh it was ok

**Rey** _ **89** : find a cutie to kiss @ midnight at least?

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : haha

**Rey** _ **89** : ?

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : uhhh no lol

**Rey** _ **89** : didn’t want to?

Rey’s heart was going so fast.

This was _Ben_. She was talking to _Ben_. About _kissing_.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : didn’t even think about it honestly

**Rey** _ **89** : ah I see

Rey waited. She saw that he was typing, then stopping, then typing again.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : what about you?

**Rey** _ **89** : I had 2 sips of champagne and had a headache so I went to bed at like 10pm lmao

Also I snuck into your room to lay in you bed and go through your stuff.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : lol

**Rey** _ **89** : I know. Classy.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : it’s kind of adorable

**Rey** _ **89** : lmao is it?

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : Yeah, it is.

**Rey** _ **89** : :p

Rey felt like her heart was full of helium. She was smiling so big her face fucking hurt.

Ben Solo called her adorable.

Her smile faded as she thought about the last time she had seen him in person, how annoyed with her he had seemed. He had snapped at her offer to help.

**Rey** _ **89** : I usually just hang with my parents on NYE but they wanted 2 party this year lol

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : I can't imagine having parents who like hanging out with you. My parents literally can’t stand me.

Rey’s breath caught. She wanted to defend Leia but she remembered last night at the party, Han’s comments about Ben and how Ms. Holdo had stood up for him. How Leia hadn’t said a word…

**Rey** _ **89** : that's… awful. I’m rly sorry :( they sound like dicks

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : they are, but I mean, they have a point too

**Rey** _ **89** : what do you mean ??

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : you don’t know me Rey I’m… I’m not always easy to be around and they’re two people who couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort and it’s just… idk. It’s stupid but you know, you hear someone tell you that you’re a piece of shit enough times… it sticks

**Rey** _ **89** : babe no

Rey’s heart hurt for Ben.

**Rey** _ **89:** I’m sure you’re not a piece of shit. No parents should ever say that to their kid, no matter what. They fucked up, not you.

Rey was shaking with her anger. It took Ben a minute to reply.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : thank you. That actually makes me feel way better.

**Rey** _ **89** : anytime, honestly

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : :)

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : I g2g get some stuff done but talk later?

**Rey** _ **89** : definitely <3

  
Ben talked to Rey online all week. Just little things, he told her when his parents were screaming at each other or at him and about how he couldn’t wait to get away from them next year. He sent her links to Radiohead songs and songs by bands she didn’t know with names like Neutral Milk Hotel and The Apples in Stereo.

By the time winter break was over Rey’s crush on Ben Solo had gone from plausibly deniable to absolute. She liked him.

A lot.

She woke up on Monday morning and decided to put in a little extra effort. She straightened her hair to a thin flat sheet, she put on mascara and eye shadow as well as eyeliner, and she broke out a pair of thick black tights to wear under a vintage inspired dress she had gotten for Christmas from Urban Outfitters.

It was _not_ jeans and a hoodie.

She tried to tell herself she wasn’t doing it for Ben, but as she pulled into the student lot all she could think about was seeing him.

She found Finn waiting for her outside of AP lit.

“You look nice,” Finn said. It didn’t sound like a compliment, though, it sounded like he was suspicious. Rey just shrugged, not quite meeting his eyes.

Just then Ben walked down the hall. Rey stopped breathing as she looked at him. Ben’s eyes found hers and then dropped, dragging over her body and down to her feet before settling back on her face.

“Hey,” Rey said.

“Hi?” Ben said, eyebrows drawing together.

“Did you have a good winter break?”

Ben made a point to look behind him, as if he was confused about who Rey was talking to.

“It was fine?”

“Oh good, I had a pretty mellow—“

Ben rolled his eyes and pushed past her.

Rey stopped mid sentence, blinking.

“Jesus what’s his deal?” Finn said.

Rey didn’t understand at all.

Maybe she has it wrong, maybe Kylo Ren was someone else and they just used Ben’s computer.

That made no sense, though. But neither did his behavior.

_He_ _called_ _you_ _adorable_.

Rey couldn’t picture it. Maybe he was just in a bad mood?

She took her seat for English and tried not to feel too embarrassed when Finn kept sending her sympathetic little smiles.

~~~

She didn’t talk to Ben for most of the day, not even at lunch, not until the bell rang at the end of 5th period math and Ben slammed his binder shut with a long sigh as everyone else filtered out of the classroom.

“This shit makes no sense,” he said, mostly to himself.

“You know,” Rey said gently, “I could help you? If you want? I’m pretty good with numbers and I—“

“No,” Ben said, his tone sharp.

“I wouldn’t mind, honestly,” Rey said. “I could—“

“I said no, Rey. I don’t want your help.”

It was too much. Either Ben wasn’t really Kylo, which she knew he was, or he really did hate her and Kylo was a trap.

No way he could mean what he said online and be this horrible to her in person.

“Oh— okay,” her voice shook. “Right. Sorry.”

She ducked her head before turning and basically running out of the room.

~~~

Rey ditched 6th period. She just wanted to go home. She was going to block Kylo and forget about Ben Solo as best she could until graduation. It was only six months. She could do it.

It took her four tries to get the engine to turn over and the whole car was making a horrible groaning noise, as if it too was heartbroken.

She put on Manchester Orchestra and decided to take back roads instead of the highway home. She wasn’t in a rush and she was sort of crying and now it was snowing too.

She’d only been driving for about fifteen minutes when the groaning noise became a grinding noise and her car just— stopped.

“What the fuck? What the fuck?!”

Rey pulled over to the shoulder and groaned as loud as her engine had.

“This is the worst fucking day!” she screamed into the empty car.

Rey flipped open her cell phone and called 411.

“Hi, can you connect me to a mechanic near route 42 please?”

“Closest one is Alderaan Towing,” the operator said. “It’s on South Victory Blvd.”

“That’s perfect. Thank you.”

Rey jotted down the number for the mechanic and tapped her foot impatiently until the call connected. The gruff voice of a mechanic answered and told her it would be at least an hour until someone could make it out.

  
Rey hung up the phone and put her head back. It was fucking cold now that the heat had gone off. There was nothing to do now except wait.

  
Rey had been waiting about twenty minutes before another car drove past.

She saw the black Audi in her rearview and cursed.

Of course Ben would be the only person to come by. Of course he would see her like this. Ben pulled in behind her. He was the last person she wanted to see right now.

She looked at her face in the rear view. The makeup she had done this morning was a little smudged from crying and her lips were swollen and her cheeks were red from the cold.

_Fucking_ _perfect_.

Ben got out of his car. He had a jacket and a beanie on and even coming from the warmth of his car, he looked freezing by the time he reached Rey’s door. He knocked on her window.

Rey kept her eyes straight ahead, ignoring him.

“Rey,” he said. “It’s freezing. Come on.”

Rey made an ugly noise as she turned to face him and opened the door.

“I really _don’t_ _want_ _your_ _help_ , Ben. I’m fine.”

“It’s like five degrees out here.”

“A truck is coming,” she said, looking away from him.

“So wait in my car until they come.”

“It’s gonna be a while.”

“So let me drive you home and you can go get it later.”

Rey didn’t say anything, just stared at him.

Ben huffed indignantly and he leaned in closer. She could see where his eyes were flecked with gold, and the moles dotting his face.

“Rey. You’re out if you’re fucking mind if you think I’m going to leave you here. Get in my car, now.”

Rey was taken aback by his proximity and the seriousness of his tone. She blinked at him.

“ _Please_ ,” he added, softer.

It was really very cold. And Ben Solo was hard to say no to.

Rey followed Ben into his car which was deliciously warm and smelled clean and like Ben. He had NPR on and they were talking about Nancy Pelosi becoming the first female speaker of the house and what it meant for President Bush.

Rey let the heat pour over her, rubbing her hands together.

“Jesus you’re freezing,” Ben said, pulling the hat off of his head and handing it to Rey.

She looked at it, confused.

“Rey, please put the hat on.”

Rey reached for it and pulled it over her head, like his words compelled her. She didn’t know what to say. Ben's hair was flattened and his ears were poking out and he was close by and alone with her and she knew she looked crazy from crying and she could smell him all around her in the small, warm car.

“Let me take you home, you can go pick up the car from the shop whenever. The roads are getting really icy.”

“Yeah okay.”

Rey’s mind was swimming, she had so many feelings. For Ben, for Kylo, for this fucked up day. If he hadn’t snubbed her so hard earlier she wouldn’t have been such an awkward mess but as it was, she couldn’t think of anything to say to him.

She twisted her hands and looked over at Ben.

The snow was falling all around them and Ben looked like winter incarnate, washed out to black and white and pinks.

“Thanks, you know, for stopping.”

“Of course,” Ben said stiffly.

In the silence that followed Rey tried to imagine that she was in his car because he wanted to spend time with her, but then she worried she would cry and the last fucking thing she needed was to cry in front of Ben, so she bit her cheek and turned away, looking out the window.

They pulled up to her house a few minutes later.

“Thanks again,” Rey said, as she got out of his car.

“It’s no big deal,” Ben said.

Rey stood for a moment and looked at him, then she smiled with tight lips and said, “Right.”

She closed the door and walked away.

~~~

Rey honestly debated signing online.

If Ben hadn’t given her a ride home, she tells herself, she definitely wouldn’t.

But that’s not true. Because how could she not? How could she possibly resist?

Part of her was convinced that Kylo wouldn’t  talk to her anymore, that this had all been some kind of fluke.

She groaned and as she stomped over to her computer and signed online. She only had to wait about ten minutes. Ben disn’t live that far from her.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** **has** **signed** **on**

Rey waited. She was not going to IM him first.

In a true show of strength, she went downstairs and microwaved chicken nuggets. She came back up to her room a few minutes later to a message.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : Hey

Rey waited another minute, deciding how exactly she was going to play this.

**Rey** _ **89** : hi

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : sup

**Rey** _ **89** : meh

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : ?

**Rey** _ **89** : I’m just having a really awful day

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : why what’s wrong

**Rey** _ **89** : it’s dumb. I feel dumb. I’m legit crying rn lol

Rey was not _legit_ _crying_ but she felt the sentiment in her heart. It was just hard to cry and eat a giant plate of chicken nuggets all at once.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : whoa why what happened?

**Rey** _ **89** : it’s dumb lolll idk

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : you can tell me

**Rey** _ **89** : this guy was just really, reallllly mean to me today

Rey held her breath and waited.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : who?

**Rey** _ **89** : tell me who you are and I’ll tell you his name

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : :/

Rey saw that coming.

**Rey** _ **89** : right, it doesn’t matter it’s just. Just this guy I’ve known forever. I’d say friends but we’re clearly not friends which… I guess I knew? But… still rly hurts to find out someone can’t stand you.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : I can't imagine someone doesn’t like you

This just made Rey feel worse, anger rising up alongside sadness.

**Rey** _ **89** : well you don’t really know me, since we’ve never spoken.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : right...

**Rey** _ **89** : Sorry, I think I’m just gonna go. I feel like shit and I’m super sad and just wanna…. not do anything

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : I’m sorry

**Rey** _ **89** : for what?

“For what, Ben?” Rey said out loud to her empty room.

**Kylo** _ **Ren** : that you’re sad

**Rey** _ **89** : ya well, nothing to with you bud. g2g

Rey signed off.

She turned and saw herself in the mirror, the stupid dress she had worn to school and her stupid makeup. For Ben. For nothing.

Then she really did cry.

~~~

Rey got to school a little early the next day. She’d gotten an iPod touch for Christmas so she had headphones in as she sat in the hallway, picking at a hole in her jeans.

She didn’t realize Ben was there until he was standing in front of her. She looked up at him but as soon as she did, he was crouching down in front of her.

He had two Starbucks cups in his hands.

She pulled her headphones out, one eyebrow raising.

“I brought you hot chocolate. I didn’t know if you like coffee or what, but I figured everyone likes chocolate, but if you don’t you can throw it away.”

Rey’s heart picked up as she reached for the cup, fingers grazing his before finding the warm surface.

“I love hot chocolate,” she whispered.

Ben looked relieved.

“But why?

“Because,” Ben said, “I should have said sorry yesterday, I had a chance to in the car but I was— I just had a really, really shitty day and I took it out on you which is the last— which is not what I wanna do so…” he looked pointedly at the cup.

Rey was smiling, her face was warm and her heart was on fire and—

“It’s okay,” she said, trying not to outright grin.

Ben nodded and started to stand but Rey grabbed his arm, keeping him down.

“Thank you, Ben.”

She felt a small shiver pass over him before he nodded and pulled away.

Other kids started to filter in, and when Finn finally got to school he looked at Rey’s drink and said “I cannot believe you didn’t bring one for me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so who out here forgot about 411? I was like how tf did I call for a tow truck??? Lmaooo if you like it pls let me know your comments mean the world to me.


	4. Chapter 4

Rey did not like horror movies, they genuinely freaked her out.

 

She always tried to play it cool, though, and she’d sat through House of Wax and a Scream marathon without making an ass of herself.

 

How bad could The Hills Have Eyes really be?

 

The answer was _terrible_.

 

They had come in a group, Finn and Hux and Poe and Rose and Phasma and Ben and Rey.

 

They went to the movies fairly often, had been going as a group at least one weekend a month since middle school.

 

Finn had blessedly kept his mouth _shut_ when Rey positioned herself to sit next to Ben, probably because Poe had fought to get next to Finn.

 

Rey had even been a little excited about the movie before it started. Sitting right next to Ben, hyper aware of every rustle and motion in the darkness. Twenty minutes in and she was just— _scared_.

 

The movie was terrifying. She was amazed she wasn’t shaking.

 

So she mostly did it to distract herself, more that than out of a real reaction to fear, like you sometimes see in the movies.

 

She reached for Ben’s hand in the darkness.

 

She slid her fingers against his palm, her thumb coming to rest on the ridges at the top of his hand.

 

Ben turned to look at her, and she met his gaze.

 

His eyebrows had drawn together, and he looked down at where their hands were connected, and then back at her face as if it say are _you serious right now?_

 

His gaze was heavy and not particularly friendly but hey, Rey wasn’t scared of the movie anymore. She was fucking terrified of her own heart.

 

She couldn’t back down, not now. She turned away from Ben and faced the screen, but she didn’t move her hand. She was so, so still.

 

She heard Ben swallow, and then saw his head turn to face forward also, glancing out of the corner of her eye.

 

She was breathing too fast in the dark, sitting too still.

 

Ben’s thumb was on the inside of her wrist, where it met her palm. He moved his thumb in a small circle and Rey took in a shaking breath, squeezing his hand softly.

 

Rey wasn’t scared at all for the rest of the movie.

 

Because Ben Solo squeezed back.

 

~~~

 

Ben didn’t pay extra attention to her when they got food after the movies. He sat with Poe and they relived the gory details of the movie with glee. Rose sat down next to Rey and smiled.

 

“Ben’s pretty cute, huh?”

 

Rey blanched.

 

“What?! I mean— do you uh— do you like him?”

 

Her voice was too high. It wasn’t supposed to sound like that…

 

Rose laughed.

 

“No, I don’t like Ben. I just kinda thought you did.”

 

Rey groaned and used a hand to cover her face, back to Ben, boxing her into a Rose’s quiet space.

 

“Is it that obvious?” She asked quietly.

 

“Well— not to Ben. But that’s not surprising. Boys are dense. But I mean, I get it.”

 

Rey sighed and shook her head.

 

“He doesn’t like me,” she said. Rose just kind of grimaced.

 

“I don’t know if he likes anyone. He doesn’t seem interested in that, you know?”

 

It didn’t make Rey feel any better. She thought about Kylo Ren.

 

“Well I’m not holding my breath,” Rey said, and then, because she liked Rose, “Honestly, I’ve had a little crush on Ben since 7th grade.”

 

Rose’s eyes went wide.

 

“You’re kidding me. And you never told him?”

 

“Almost, once, but he made it pretty clear where he stood on it and I wasn’t going to embarrass myself worse than I already had so… nope. Usually I just try to forget about it.”

 

“Oh Rey,” Rose said, and she looked so sad.

 

“It’s really fine,” Rey said with a smile. “It’s a stupid little crush. We all have them.”

 

Rose looked over at Finn.

 

“Yeah,” she said. “I guess we do.”

 

~~~

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : have you ever had a girlfriend?

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : nah

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : But have you ever done anything? Like kissing or whatever?

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : Uhhh lol

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : have you?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : I kissed a guy at camp a few years ago. And last summer, someone I met a party.

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : Just kissing or?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : or what ;)

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : other touching?

 

Rey considers. Decides, _fuck it._

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : he fingered me out by the pool.

 

Rey bites her lip as she waits.

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : was it good?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : it felt nice, yeah lol

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : has anyone ever touched you like that? Or let you touch them?

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : no

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : but you’d want to?

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : definitely

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : do you like, think about that kind of stuff a lot?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : yeah lol I know it’s a shock but girls are just as horny as guys, my dude

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : lol

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : seems hard to believe

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : do you watch porn?

 

Rey wondered if this was considered _giving him ammunition._

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : Yeahhh lol

 

Ben didn’t answer right away and Rey smirked.

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : do you touch yourself while you do it?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : don’t you?

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : yeah, all the time.

 

It was Rey’s turn to squirm and catch her breath. It would be so, so easy to get carried away here.

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : you know, I think I’m overdue for some alone time ;)

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : ??

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : ttyl <3

 

Rey signed off.

 

She was keyed up now, turned on and exhilarated. She knew she was probably driving Ben insane. But she couldn’t do _that_ with him like this. They would have to be Ben and Rey, not Rey and a stranger, or Rey secretly knowing it was Ben, or _Ben_ secretly knowing it was Ben.

 

She groaned. It was too depressing to really be hot once she took a moment to think.

 

She didn’t want Kylo Ren, she wanted Ben Solo.

 

Pouting, Rey pulled out her math homework and did that instead.

 

~~~

 

Rey woke up on Tuesday morning feeling _awful._ She had a fever and the headache of the century and when she broke down in tears at how much effort it took to put her pants on, she called for her mom.

 

“You’re sick, get back in bed.”

 

“I don’t wanna be sick,” Rey sobbed.

 

“You’re dehydrated, just lay down. I’ll bring you supplies before I leave for work.”

 

Bed sounded so, so good. Rey melted into the pillows and didn’t wake up for another three hours.

 

When she did awake, she found her mom had left her two bottles of Gatorade and flu medicine.

 

Rey started to rehydrate.

 

~~~

 

Her fever didn’t break at all that day.

 

She was too weak and tired to even get out of bed and go online, she just watched movies.

 

She called Finn to tell him she would probably be still be out of school tomorrow and asking if he could bring her homework over, and then she napped.

 

When Rey woke up it was late afternoon, the winter sun was creeping toward the horizon. She felt a little better, less dizzy and feverish, although she was still _so_ tired.

 

She went to the bathroom and splashed water on her face. She had circles under her eyes and her lips were swollen and chapped and her cheeks were red from the fever. Rey pushed her hair out of her face and took a slow, steadying breath.

 

The doorbell rang downstairs. Rey’s face wrinkled in confusion before she looked at the clock in the hall. It was 3:34, probably Finn with her homework.

 

Rey made it to the front door only a little winded and pulled it open.

 

“Dude I swear I— oh—“

 

Rey froze. It wasn’t Finn, it was Ben.

 

Rey was suddenly painfully aware that she was in thin pink pajama pants and a black tank top with _no bra_ and that the shape of her tits was _clearly_ visible in a way it _never_ was with her school clothes.

 

The cold air was intense as it hit her face.

 

“Inside,” she said quickly, and Ben followed her. She closed the door and shivered. “I thought you were Finn?”

 

“You really are sick, huh?” Ben said, smirking.

 

Rey walked through the living room into the kitchen and Ben followed her.

 

“Funny. Not that it isn’t nice to see you, but why are you here?”

 

“I brought your homework, Finn got detention.”

 

“What did he do?” Rey asked, putting water in a kettle.

 

“Just wouldn’t stop talking to Poe during Film History.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes but she smiled fondly.

 

“Sounds about right.”

 

Rey suddenly went weak in the knees, a dizzy spell overwhelming her, she grabbed the edge of the kitchen island.

 

Ben was behind her before she slipped even an inch, his hands grabbing her waist. She could feel his warmth all around her.

 

“Sorry,” she gasped, still holding onto the island, too scared to let go.

 

“You need to sit,” Ben said, and Rey whined. “Rey please go sit, I’ll bring you the tea.”

 

He helped her over to the couch, not taking his hands off of her.

 

Ben went back into the kitchen and Rey heard the kettle whistle. She could hear him rummaging around.

 

She pulled a blanket down from the top of the couch.

 

Ben came back with a whole ass tray of stuff.

 

There was her tea and a bottle of gatorade and a glass of water. He had made her two pieces of toast with butter, and he’d found a can of soup to warm up.

 

Rey blinked back tears.

 

“You didn’t have to do all that,” she whispered.

 

“It was nothing,” Ben said, “it’s toast and canned soup. I didn’t make you a roast.”

 

He sounded almost defensive and it made Rey smile, wide and bright. She looked up at Ben and he looked uncomfortable and embarrassed. He always looked so uncomfortable.

 

“Thank you, I needed this. I— I’m really sick and I’ve just been sleeping.”

 

“Where are your parents?”

 

“They work,” she said, blinking slowly. “They’re really busy.”

 

She saw the emotions flash in Ben’s eyes, but he didn’t speak.

 

“Do you like, want me to stay with you? Just until you’re sure you won’t faint or something?”

 

“You don’t have to, I’m sure you have other stuff—“

 

“I don’t.”

 

Rey swallowed, was this all a fever dream?

 

“You wanna watch a movie?” she asked. “We have all those DVDs,” she nodded over the shelf.

 

Ben walked over to look at them.

 

“What do you wanna watch?” he asked.

 

“Talladega Nights, have you seen it?”

 

Ben shook his head.

 

“You’re in for a treat, Solo.”

 

Ben gave her an odd look, it took her a minute to realize it was closer to a smile than a scowl.

 

She patted the couch next to her.

 

Ben sat down, keeping at least eight inches of space between them which— fair— Rey was _very_ sick.

 

She dipped her toast in the soup and sighed with happiness. She really had been hungry.

 

“This is so good,” she said, the pleasant hum of the movie in the background.

 

“Make sure you drink too.”

 

Rey took the gatorade and tried to open it but holy shit was she weak.

 

Ben reached over and took the bottle, twisting the cap and handing it back to her without looking down from the TV.

 

Rey watched his big hands grip and twist with a flutter in her stomach.

 

Rey took the bottle and drank from it, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, Ben was watching her.

 

“Not too fast,”

 

She nodded.

 

“I can’t believe you haven’t seen this movie,” she said, wiping her mouth.

 

“You guys went without me when I was visiting my grandma.”

 

“Oh yeah,” Rey said, yawning.

 

She was dizzy but the food had helped and _Ben was there with her._

 

At one point, while Ricky Bobby was arguing with Jean Girard, Ben started laughing and his face lit up. Rey was _sure_ she had seen him laugh before, but never when it was just the two of them, never when she felt so high and so undone.

 

Rey curled up in a ball and listened to Ben laugh as she closed her eyes.

 

At some point she must have drifted off, when she woke up the DVD main screen was on repeat, and something warm was under her—

 

She sat up and realized she was leaning on Ben.

 

“Oh my god, shit sorry! You should have pushed me off.”

 

“I didn’t wanna wake you,” Ben said.

 

“How long have you been sitting like that?” She asked, eyeing the screen. It was dark outside.

 

“Just a few minutes, it’s okay. I was gonna wake you in a second.”

 

Rey yawned, she felt more clear headed than she had in days.

 

“I feel better,” she said, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry I almost passed out and make you waste your afternoon.”

 

“I didn’t waste it,” Ben said.

 

Rey blushed.

 

“Okay. Well, maybe I’ll see you at school tomorrow? If I’m feeling better?”

 

“Yeah,” Ben said. He wasn’t smiling but he didn’t look massively uncomfortable either.

 

Rey walked him to the door.

 

“Thanks again, Ben,” she said with a smile.

 

He shrugged.

 

“No big deal.”

 

When Rey got up to her room she checked her clock, it was almost 7:00.

 

Ben had definitely been sitting there more than a few minutes.

 

 _Forty_ minutes, maybe.

 

Rey pressed her face to her pillow and smiled.

 

~~~

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : Hey

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : hiiiii

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : what’s up

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : nothing just catching up on homework since I gotta go back to school tomorrow. I probably could have gone today but.. better safe than sorry

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : I’m glad ur feeling better

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : oh man me too

 

Rey bit her thumbnail and deliberated. Then, before she could chicken out she typed.

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : it wasn’t that bad tho. The boy I like came over yesterday and made me soup.

 

Rey held her breath.

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : oh? Like he made soup at home and brought it or?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : LoL no he brought me my homework and warmed up a can.

 

Rey giggled. God boys could be dense.

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : That was nice of him. Does he like you too?

 

“You tell me!” she yelled at her computer.

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : lmao no, he has no idea I like him. I can’t imagine he likes me back….

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : well you never know, right?

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : i guess anything is possible, lmao even this.

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : I’m not holding my breath tho

 

 **Rey** _ **89** : anyway I gotta go, I need all the rest I can get.

 

 **Kylo** _ **Ren** : Okay, night Rey.

 

Rey signed off.

 

She didn’t know what she expected. Kylo to admit that he was Ben? For him to urge her to confess her crush IRL?

 

He seemed— apathetic. Confusing, yet again.

 

But Rey didn’t regret it. They were graduating in a few months, she didn’t have time to waste.

 

Ben Solo knew she had a crush on him now.

 

The ball was in his court.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... should I up the angst orrrrr??


	5. Chapter 5

 

It was actually amazing Rey didn’t scream. The hand that slammed down on the locker next to her made her jump, and it was only Finn’s goofy grin that made her smile instead of slap him.

 

“Not chill,” she said, closing her own locker.

 

“Oh peanut.” His tone makes her falter. He was far too pleased with himself. “You know what’s _not chill_? The fact that one _Ben_ _Solo_ , your crush eternal, drops by with your homework and you don’t even text your best friend slash wingman?”

 

Rey couldn’t help the goofy grin that split across her face.

 

“What do you wanna know?” she asked casually.

 

“Oh I don’t know, how about _everything?_ ”

 

Rey laughs, pressing a hand to her mouth.

 

“It wasn’t a big deal,” she shrugs. “We watched a movie. I may have fallen asleep on him.”

 

“Oh god did you drool?”

 

She swats him playfully.

 

“Shut up. Although maybe. I don’t know. He did kind of let me sleep on him for a while.”

 

“Oh my god are you serious? _Ben_ _Solo_?”

 

“I know,” she whispered, and she couldn’t help the gushing tone. “Finn I— I _think_ he likes me too. He just— it’s little things.”

 

She didn’t want to tell Finn about Kylo, not yet. She liked that it was something just between her and Ben.

 

“Well maybe he’ll ask you to formal.”

 

“Oh my god,” Rey said, smacking her forehead. “I forgot about formal!”

 

“Yeah girl, if you want that, you better make it known.”

 

Rey planned to.

 

~~~~

 

When they got to English class Ben was already sitting.

 

Rey debated a moment, then winked at Finn and took the empty seat next to Ben.

 

He looked up at her, blinking his dark brown eyes.

 

For a second, she thought he was going to say something like _Are you lost, Johnson_ but he didn’t. His face was open and she saw him pull his hands into his lap and twist them.

 

“Hi,” she said.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Thanks for bringing me my homework.”

 

“No big deal,” Ben said. Rey was beginning to wonder if he only said that when it _was_ a big deal.

 

“I owe you one, really.”

 

“She drooled all over you, didn’t she?” Finn said, leaning over Timmy Jens to say it.

 

“Finn,” Rey hissed.

 

Ben was blushing and Rey had the horrible feeling that Finn has just ruined anything but then Ben said, “Oh yeah. She’s disgusting,” and his tone was playful and he was— he was smiling at her. Crooked teeth and eyes alight.

 

Rey’s heart basically melted.

 

~~~~

 

There was a coffee shop called The Resistance about forty minutes outside of the city that was also a bookstore, and also a little arcade.

 

It had a big room full of comfy loveseats and chairs and board games and the gang went out there often on weekends.

 

Normally Rey took her own car, packed with Finn and sometimes Rose, but since her car was still being fixed everything got shuffled around. Phasma’s Van was packed with Poe and Finn and Rose caught a ride with Paige who was in town for her extra long college winter break, and Rey would probably have piled in also except—

 

Ben: _I know your car is still at the shop, want a ride today?_

 

Rey blinked down at her phone. Her text stream with Ben was sporadic, mostly details for group plans and this technically wasn’t different but—

 

It felt different.

 

Rey: _you’re a lifesaver thank u_

 

Rey told herself she wasn’t going to read into it but as she put on Sunny Day Real Estate she started to get dressed.

 

She didn’t usually agonize over her clothes but she wanted to feel cute. She put on mustard yellow tights and a black floral shift dress, tying it together with her Frye boots. She grabbed a zip up hoodie to tone the whole thing down, and only did her usual eyeliner. She put her hair in a messy bun.

 

It was a step up from what she wore to school most days but not so much so that anyone could give her shit about being _dressed up._

 

_This is not a date._

 

She kept saying the words to herself over and over but her heart was still racing as Ben’s Audi pulled into the driveway.

 

She grabbed the tote bag that doubled as her purse and headed out the door.

 

It was just her and Ben in the car, which was warm and smelled clean. He had Queens of the Stone Age on, the music rested low in her gut.

 

“Thanks for the ride,” she said, buckling herself in.

 

“No problem,” Ben said, “Did they say what was wrong with your car?”

 

Rey sighed.

 

“They told me she’s had a good life but she’s in pain, surgery would be too expensive. It’s best to just put her down.”

 

Ben’s lips quirked a little.

 

“Bad news then.”

 

“The worst,” Rey said, sighing. “If I get into NYU it won’t matter, I wasn’t going to bring it.”

 

Ben looked at her, then back at the road.

 

“Is that your top school?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Hmm,” he said, eyes narrowing.

 

“What? Not fancy enough for you?”

 

“No I— I applied to their film program.”

 

“Oh,” Rey said softly.

 

She hadn’t even considered the idea that she and Ben could go to the same college. She had this running clock in her head, a countdown, this idea that if she didn’t act on things before fall, it would be too late.

 

“Well, if I move to New York I won’t need the car anyway, plus now I have you to drive me around and with any luck you can take this fancy car with you and drive me around Manhattan too.”

 

Ben side eyed her, but there was no malice in it. He was being— playful? Almost. It made her breath catch.

 

He was watching the road which gave her a small excuse to watch him in furtive bursts, trying not to stare.

 

His hands on the steering wheel, pale and so big and veined, knuckles white as he sped up.

 

His shoulders were so broad but his waist was thin, his whole torso tapering inwards. She wanted to put her hand on his thigh, to feel the warmth there and how maybe his muscles would jump with surprise at her touch. Maybe he would look at her with heat behind his eyes and pull the car over, park in a copse of trees off the highway and unbuckle with shaking hands, eager to get to her, to pull her into the back seat and—

 

“You’re staring, Johnson.”

 

“What?” she squeaked. “I— I’m— sorry.”

 

Rey blushed red and looked straight ahead, sheepish.

 

“It’s okay,” Ben said. “I don’t hate it.”

 

Rey tucked her chin to hide her stupid grin.

 

~~~~

 

Everyone was there when Ben and Rey walked in. Finn winked at her and Rose dragged her over to the coffee counter to get cookies and iced mochas.

 

Poe and Phasma were playing pool and Paige was crushing Mrs. Pac-Man.

 

Rose and Rey joined Finn and Ben with their treats.

 

“We have Risk, Apples to Apples, Monopoly— oh look they got Parcheesi!” Rose said, excitedly shaking the box.

 

They settled on Bananagrams which Ben won, and then they started monopoly but only got ten minutes into it before Rey was so bored she was losing her mind and Finn “accidently” knocked the whole board over.

 

They loaded up on sweets and played video games until the sun was setting and Rey could feel her sugar crash coming.

 

Rey was looking at a bookshelf full of zines when she felt a hand in the small of her back. She turned to see Ben.

 

“Do you want a ride home?”

 

She couldn’t focus, the place where his hand rested against her dress was like a drain, all of her thoughts just rushed out.

 

“Hm? Oh, yes, that would be— only if you don’t mind, I mean I can ask Paige too.”

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

“Thank you,” Rey said, smiling at him. Ben swallowed and took a step back.

 

Rey hugged Finn and Rose and waved to the others as she pulled her jacket tighter around her.

 

It had been pleasant in the sunshine but now the temperature was dropping fast. Rey was shivering by the time she got into the car. Ben turned the heat up they settled onto the highway.

 

Rey angled herself so she was looking at Ben.

 

“So, film school?”

 

“I wanna write movies,” Ben said, nodding.

 

“That makes sense, you’ve always had a boner for English.”

 

Ben sputtered a little as he looked at her.

 

“That’s— one way to look at it.”

 

“You and Finn both love that film class too. I mean I figured it was just an excuse to watch movies during school but you guys take it so seriously.”

 

Ben nodded.

 

“I mean, it is also nice to get to watch movies during school,” he smiled softly at her. “But no that’s not why I took it.”

 

“Why do you wanna be a writer.”

 

She could see Ben thinking, could see him deliberating whether or not he wanted to reveal this piece of himself to her.

 

“I just do,” he said with a shrug.

 

Rey nodded, trying not to feel disappointed. Maybe she could ask Kylo; maybe then he would tell her.

 

They pulled back up to her house after a bit, Ben drove faster than Rey ever dared, and she turned toward him, in no rush to leave his presence.

 

“Thank you,” she said.

 

“It’s no big—“

 

“No big deal, I know, not to you but— thank you. Not Just for the ride but also for bringing me my homework and for making me soup and letting me drool on you, probably, and the hot chocolate and not leaving me on the side of the road and— and thinking of me today.”

 

Ben’s cheeks were flushed at her words, he shifted, pinned— a butterfly on a board.

 

He shrugged, casual.

 

Rey didn’t get out of the car, she watched Ben, how close he was to her, how all she’d have to do to reach him would be lean over.

 

How could someone so close to her be so far away?

 

“Anyway,” she said. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

 

“See you,” Ben said, and his voice was a little rough.

 

Rey got out of the car and went inside.

 

~~~~

 

“The dance is this Friday, maybe _you_ should just ask _him_?”

 

“Ugh, I can’t!”

 

Finn looked at her like that was ridiculous, raising an eyebrow.

 

“It’s the 21st century, of course you can.”

 

“I mean I _can_ but I _can’t_ you know? I almost said something over the weekend on the way back from The Resistance but honestly Finn, he’s— not easy to approach. And I have tried a few times to hang out or be closer and it’s like— when it’s his idea to hang I fall for it right away but when _I_ suggest anything I get an eye roll and I mean— I’m pretty sure he knows I like him.”

 

_Positive actually, since I told him._

 

Finn shrugged.

 

“Well, I hope he balls up and asks you.”

 

“Me fucking too.” Rey slammed her locker and waved to Finn, heading down to art.

 

“Rey!”

 

Someone called out to her from behind, she turned around to find Snap Wexley.

 

“Oh hey Snap, what’s up?”

 

“I uhm— I was just wondering if— I mean you probably have a date already but if you don’t did you— would you wanna go to the dance with me on Friday?”

 

Rey blinked in surprise. Snap was a nice kid, but not really in her friend group, he hung with the skater/stoners. She had _not_ seen this coming, and therefore she had no idea how to respond.

 

“Oh uhm, I— I totally forgot it was happening,” she lied. “I have to make sure it’s okay with my mom. But I can… I can let you know?”

 

Snap tilted his head but he was nodding.

 

“Sure,” he smiled. “Just let me know.”

 

Rey smiled tightly and waved as he walked away.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

~~~~

 

Rey planned in her head. She just had to talk to Ben today. She wouldn’t mention the Snap thing to anyone, and she could just bring up the dance to Ben and if he didn’t ask her okay — she would go with Snap. But Ben would definitely ask her, once she mentioned it. Right?

 

She felt awful all through math, and through history, and even as she walked to their normal table for lunch.

 

Nothing could have prepared her for what happened next, though.

 

As soon as she sat down Poe’s voice rang out.

 

“I heard Snap Wexley asked you to the dance, Rey.”

 

“What!” Finn said, eyes wide.

 

“Oh my god really?” Rose said, eyeing Rey curiously.

 

“Oh well—“

 

“You guys would actually be kinda cute,” Phasma said.

 

Rey looked over at Ben, panicked. This was _not_ the way it was supposed to go.

 

“Actually—“ she started.

 

“No that makes sense,” Ben said, and his face was so closed off now, none of the tempered warmth she had started to see the last few times they hung out. His words were harsh. “You should go with Snap.”

 

“I— I should?”

 

“Yeah. I’m going with Tina Davis,” Ben said. “Gonna ask her today.”

 

Rey actually staggered back. She felt like she’d been hit.

 

“Oh, okay. I— I didn’t tell him yes yet,” she was talking to Ben now, he was the only one she was looking at. She saw something in his expression break at those words. “But if you’re— I mean if you think I should. If you _all_ think I should— okay.”

 

She was pretty sure she wasn’t imaging the look of regret his face.

 

It served him right. _Ben_ _Solo_ , impulsive as always.

 

“I just remembered I forgot— something—“

 

She turned around and walked away from her friends.

 

~~~

 

Rey was mad. She was _really_ mad.

 

She kept telling herself she should feel _sadness_ but all she felt was blind fucking rage.

 

She threw her bag down on her bed and screamed.

 

She turned around at the notification noise from her computer.

 

 **Kylo_Ren** : Hey

 

Rey started laughing. It was a scary laugh, _maniacal._

 

“Fuck this,” Rey said out loud.

 

She blocked **Kylo_Ren**.

 

She was shaking a little as she sunk down into her computer chair. She blinked back tears.

 

A second later her anger was back.

 

 **Drum_Solo** : hi

 

Rey saw red, and then she blocked Ben Solo too.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol guys there was always gonna be more angst it’s high school and also it’s me writing it 😂😂
> 
> I actually could not write this without Like_A_Dove who has been reading and giving me feedback as I go so thank you bb you're the real MVP.


	6. Chapter 6

Rey: _I need to tell you something_

 

Rey: _asap_

 

She sent the texts to Finn early on Tuesday morning.

 

Finn _: ok u wanna skip 1st?_

 

Rey bit her lip.

 

Rey: _yes. I have my moms car they’re gone for a week, conference. I’ll pick u up._

 

Rey threw a red American Apparel hoodie on over her tee shirt. She grabbed the keys to her mom’s SUV and headed to Finn’s.

 

To his credit, the first thing he said was _Where should we go?_ And not _Tell me what your secret is._

 

Rey drove them away from their school, down a dirt road that led to a pasture full of horses.

 

She parked the car and pulled out her bowl, packing weed into it.

 

“Rey it’s eight in the morning,” Finn said slowly.

 

“This is a weed at eight in the morning kind of story,” she warned him.

 

Finn shrugged but accepted the little pipe as Rey exhaled out the cracked window. It would be days before her parents were back. The smell would fade.

 

“Okay,” she rolled her neck. “So I got an IM from a rando named Kylo Ren right before winter break.”

 

Finn nodded, this wasn’t that unusual.

 

“And whatever, we started talking, he was really nice, said he went to school with me but we didn’t talk, blah blah, I could tell he had a crush on me. It was— flattering.”

 

“Sure, and mysterious,” Finn said, winking. “You think it was Snap?”

 

“No,” Rey sighed, shaking her head. “This was like, a week or two before break I guess, but then over break I went with my parents to a party at the Solo’s. Ben wasn’t home, and I— I mean you know I’ve always had like— a little crush.”

 

Finn passed the bowl back to Rey, but she set it down.

 

“Well I snuck into Ben’s room.”

 

“What! Why?”

 

“Because I’m a creep, okay? I don’t know. I just wanted to— to see a little more of him. See inside his head. And his computer was there and I fully expected it to be password protected but…”

 

She shrugged. She saw Finn’s eyes go wide with understanding.

 

“So I know it wasn’t Snap because it was Ben Solo.”

 

“Holy shit. What did you do?”

 

“Well, I probably could have just blocked him and forgotten it but obviously I’m me, so I didn’t do that, we just kept talking and well— he told me things. All kinds of things,” she was whispering now. “Secrets.”

 

“Holy shit. This is messed up.”

 

“It gets worse, meanwhile Ben was so mean to me in real life I sort of— maybe let Kylo know that I liked Ben. Because you know, I figured he would like— ask me out?”

 

“Oh no,” Finn said, his face falling. “And then all the stuff yesterday, with Snap.”

 

Rey nodded.

 

“And I just. I blocked Kylo when I got home, but then Ben IMed me and I just sort of— blocked him too. And I’m gonna be fine, Finn, I’m going to let this go I swear but I can’t look at him right now. I need today to just— not think about Ben Solo at all.”

 

This was why she’d brought the weed. It kept her from crying, dulled the sharp pain behind her ribs, the feeling of her stomach dropping out through her butt. It made it all easier.

 

“Fuck today, we’re not going back to school,” Finn said.

 

Rey smiled softly.

 

“What do you wanna do?”

 

“Well, for starters, I wanna go play with those horses.”

 

Rey’s soft smile bloomed into a big, sticky one, and she and Finn walked over to the pasture to pet the horses.

 

~~~~

 

A few hours later, Rey and Finn were holed up in a coffee shop two towns over. They didn’t wanna be seen by anyone skipping class.

 

Rey took a sip of her hot chocolate. They hadn’t talked about Ben anymore after they got out of the car, Finn seemed to sense she needed to be distracted. But the reality of it was still heavy around them.

 

“You know, despite all of our bickering, I actually know Ben pretty well.”

 

Rey looked up to meet Finn’s eyes, swallowing.

 

“He acts really tough, I think his dad always pushed him to kind of _man up_ about stuff, but you know deep down he’s— he’s soft. You should see him in film, he pretends not to but he goes all gooey over those old school romances, you know, Gone With the Wind and shit.”

 

Rey set her cup down. The weed had burned off a while ago, and she felt her eyes sting a little.

 

“And he’s always looking at you, when you’re not looking at him. It’s why I give you such shit, it’s _obvious_ — if I really thought you had no chance I wouldn’t drag you. And this whole Kylo business, _obviously_ he’s desperate to talk to you, Rey. And he can’t do it as Ben because he’s got all these weird tough guy defenses up. He’s just impulsive.”

 

Rey sighed, nodding.

 

“I mean, I totally get why you’re over it,” Finn said quickly. “I would have blocked his ass too, but it’s not because he doesn’t like you, Rey. He’s just an idiot.”

 

Rey laughed a little, watery and soft. She nodded.

 

“You're probably right, I know. And you know also, if he wants to go the dance with someone else, that’s _fine_. That’s his call. But I can’t— I don’t want to be treated like this. I have whiplash from his mood swings and I just— I need some time off from Ben and Kylo and all of it. Boys in general. Girls too, just to be safe.”

 

Finn laughed lightly.

 

“Come on, your house is empty, let’s go hang out there.”

 

Rey smiled as she followed Finn back to the car, feeling more relieved than she had in weeks.

  


~~~~

  


Rey ignored Ben at school all week. It was surprisingly easy, made easier by the fact that he didn’t make any effort to talk to her either.

 

He sent a few sheepish glances her way on Wednesday when she returned to school, but that was it.

 

She told Snap no, smiling her apology and insisting she wasn’t going at all. It was true, she had no desire to go to the dance anymore.

 

Rey ate with Finn in the art room, they had agreed that at least until this dance thing blew over, she would avoid all potential relapses into unblocking Ben Solo.

 

If they were all making plans for the dance, _fine_. But she sure as hell didn't have to sit through it.

 

By Friday she was thrilled at the prospect of a quiet night at home with Finn, so when he showed up to lunch looking incredibly guilty she knew before he even said it.

 

“So, Poe asked me to the dance…”

 

Rey hugged Finn, she knew how much he had been crushing on Poe, and she was happy for him.

 

“You’re gonna have such a good time,” she said.

 

“Are you going to be okay?”

 

“Yes! Oh please, I’ll be drunk on pasta and Mountain Dew, watching movies all night. It’s going to be great.”

 

Finn laughed softly before his face became serious again.

 

“Thank you,” he said.

 

“Thank _you_ ,” I couldn’t have done this week without you.

 

She didn’t know what she had done to deserve Finn.

 

She gave him another hug and even managed not to look sad for the entire lunch period.

 

~~~~

 

Rey did indeed make pasta. A lot of it, with creamy alfredo sauce. _And_ chicken nuggets. She settled into her couch with a massive amount of food and soda and pressed play on the movie. She was going to watch the first four Harry Potter movies. She loved the books so much she even had a countdown calendar for the release of the 7th book, coming out that July.

 

Rey felt calm as the theme song washed over her and she was swept away to Privet Drive.

 

She was halfway through Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, right at the part where Hermione reveals herself, covered in cat fur, when there was a knock on her door.

 

Rey narrowed her eyes. She had no idea who would be coming over now. All of her friends were at the dance and her parents were out of town.

 

Quietly, carefully, she crept to the front door and looked through the peephole.

 

She jumped back, putting a hand over her mouth.

 

Rey looked down at herself, she was in flannel pants a white tank top, she had just eaten her weight in noodles, she had rubbed off her eyeliner into smudges hours ago— and Ben Solo was standing outside her door.

 

“Who is it?” she called, to buy herself time.

 

“It’s me— it’s Ben.”

 

She didn’t do anything with the time she bought except close her eyes and open them again. Then she opened the door.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“I thought you’d be at the dance, honestly, and I was driving home and just passed by and— the lights were on and I so— I thought maybe.” He stopped talking, pressed his lips together. “Sorry, I can— I can go.”

 

“No.”

 

The word was out of Rey’s mouth before she could even think about it.  

 

“No it’s cold, come inside.”

 

She stood aside and Ben came into her house.

 

“Are you alone?” he asked once he crossed the threshold, face crumpling in confusion.

 

“Parents are out of town, at a conference until Sunday.”

 

“Oh. And you— you didn’t want to go to the dance?”

 

Rey tilted her chin up, meeting his eyes.

 

“I didn’t want to go to the dance _with_ _Snap_.” Her words were clipped and tight.

 

Ben swallowed thickly. He was in jeans and a hoodie, he obviously wasn’t going to the dance either.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

 

“Yeah, me too,” Rey said dryly as she turned and walked into the kitchen. “Are you hungry? I made pasta, and there’s brownies left over from the other day, and soda.”

 

“No, I’m okay.”

 

“Okay,” she said, walking through the kitchen to the living room. Ben followed her.

 

She didn’t know what to say but she didn’t want him to leave— she had all of this anger inside of her but the idea of pushing him away made her heart hurt _so_ much and this whole thing— him showing up at her house with that mouth and those eyes— it felt so fragile, so she spoke carefully.

 

“Do you— do you wanna watch Harry Potter with me?”

 

They had gone to all the theatrical releases together— she knew he liked the movies at least and—

 

“Yes.” His answer was instant.

 

She sighed with relief, the knowledge that she would get to be in his presence for a little while longer overwhelmed her.

 

“Sit down,” she said, and he did. She waited until he was settled, and then she sat down too— closer to him than she ever had, pressed against his side— and hit play.

 

~~~~

 

Rey couldn’t think about anything except the heat of Ben next to her.

 

She knew these movies basically by heart, especially the third, her favorite, but she could hardly focus. Ben’s thigh was warm and solid next to her, she could feel his body shifting as he inhaled, exhaled. She pressed herself a bit closer to him and tilted her head so it was against his shoulder. Suddenly he was moving, his arm coming up to wrap around her shoulder and then he was holding her. She could smell him, his deodorant and the salt on his skin, something spicy, and his body heat was seeping into her, she was hyper aware of every single atom on her right side, every place he pressed against. She thought her heart was going to beat so fast she would choke on it.

 

The movie ended, and Rey had to get up to put another disc in, and when she turned back to the couch, Ben was waiting for her, arm wide open and eyes tentative but inviting. She slid against him again and he hugged her closer, turning his head to nose against her hair, sniffing her.

 

Rey shivered.

 

They watched the fourth movie while huddled together, and Rey was on fire. She wanted to push him back against the couch pillows, wanted him to put his hands on her legs, under her pants, under her shirt. She was nearly shaking with her want.

 

When the movie ended and the credits rolled Rey felt herself teeter on an edge. It was late, too late to do anything except find the warmth of a bed— together or alone.

 

Ben stood up, and Rey followed. Silently they walked back toward the front door, toward the stairs that led to Rey’s room.

 

The house was empty, her parents were away, it was just the two of them. She could reach for him, fall into him, see if she could make him shake or make hushed little noises against her skin.

 

But there were other things between them besides this heat. Secrets too, the knowledge of Kylo Ren. So she settled.

 

“This was better than a dance,” she told him, slipping her hand into his.

 

Ben nodded, slow, like honey, drealike.

 

“Way better,” he agreed. “We should do it more often.”

 

Rey smiled, biting her lip.

 

“Yeah, we really should.”

 

Ben squeezed her hand, and then pulled his fingers away.

 

“Goodnight, Rey.”

 

“Goodnight, Ben.”

 

She leaned against the door for a long time after he had gone, trying not to let a sense of dread ruin what turned out to be a pretty perfect night.

  
  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

Rey unblocked both screen names in the middle of the night. When she woke up, she had a message from Ben.

 

The thrill of seeing his real screen name and not Kylo’s was unexpected, a rush of excitement shooting through her.

 

 **Drum_Solo** : wanna hang today?

 

Rey couldn’t stop smiling as she sat in her chair.

 

 **Rey_89** : yes pls

 

 **Drum_Solo** : pick u up in an hour?

 

 **Rey_89** : perfect <3

 

Rey rushed off to get off ready. The entire time she was in the shower she couldn’t stop smiling. She was going out with _Ben Solo._ On what she was pretty sure was a _real date._ O.M.G.

 

She didn’t have a ton of time to agonize over clothing and she didn’t want to be weird about it so she put on jeans and a white long sleeve shirt under a red short sleeve t shirt with the Coco-Cola logo. _Casual,_ but tight enough that it didn’t hide the shape of her breasts. She left her hair down to dry as she caked on eyeliner.

 

She was just tying her converse when she saw Ben’s car pull up.

 

She bit her lip to keep from smiling like an idiot as she barreled out the door and into his car.

 

“Hi,” she said, and why did her voice sound so low?

 

“Hey,” Ben said, and then just sort of stared at each other for a second before he looked away and cleared his throat, putting the car in reverse.

 

Rey buckled up and  started to flip through his CD book, pulling out a White Stripes CD and looking at Ben for permission. He nodded at her and she ejected the cd, a mix titled _Drive This_ and slid the CD in.

 

They listened to music as he pulled onto the highway, comfortable silence. She looked at the line of his body, his big hands gripping the steering wheel.

 

Did he use those hands on himself? She knew he must, that he had to jerk off. She wondered if his dick was veined like his hands, if he thought of her when he jerked into his fist, when he—

 

Rey blushed and looked down, clearing her throat.

 

“So,” she said, “where are you taking me?”

 

“To church.”

 

Rey’s eyes went wide. She had never been to church in her life and— weren’t the Solo’s Jewish? Didn’t they call it temple? Was he taking her to meet his rabbi or something?

 

“Ch-church,” she deadpanned.

 

“The holiest place I know.”

 

Rey just wanted to spend time with Ben so she didn’t really care but she was sort of trying to rearrange her vision of him until—

 

He was laughing.

 

“You look so _stressed.”_ He was smiling, _delighted_.

 

Rey gaped like a fish, but she has nothing to say. It didn’t matter, a few minutes later Ben was pulling into the parking lot of a strip mall.

 

The building was grey and shitty but a big sign read _Dark Side Records and Comics._

 

“Church,” Ben said, gesturing.

 

Rey’s face transformed into a wolfish grin and she unbuckled hastily, rushing out the car and running ahead of Ben.

 

She could hear him laughing softly as he locked the car and slid up behind her. Rey was standing in the entranceway, eyes wide. The place was massive, Rey didn’t know how she had never been here before. There were aisles dedicated to CD’s and some for records, a sign at the back said _vintage games_ with a hand drawn picture of Mario.

 

Ben put a hand on the small of her back and led her down an aisle.

 

“New stuff is to the right, but I usually just browse here first.”

 

Rey slid her hand into Ben’s.

 

“Show me everything.”

 

She saw the tips of his ears go pink as he squeezed her hand and— even though it made browsing more difficult— he didn’t let go of her for a while, not until he realized he couldn’t browse and hold his stash and even then, he looked sorry to let go.

 

Eventually they headed to the front with a haul. Rey had found a recording of delta blues artists from 1964 and Ben had picked a Neutral Milk Hotel record on vinyl.

 

“You hungry?” Ben asked as they got back into his car.

 

“Literally always.”

 

He smiled and started the car. He had to turn around when he put it in reverse, putting his hand on the back of Rey’s headrest and oh— she could smell him like this, sweat and deodorant and she wanted to bury her face in his armpit.

 

She didn’t trust her voice for a minute after that, had to look straight ahead and ignore the way her brain was telling her to _get closer_ and _lick his neck_ and _reach down his pants._

  
  


Ben took them to a diner close to their school, a place she had seen, but always skipped in favor of the coffee shop next door that had massive cookies.

 

Rey got chicken fingers and fries and Ben got a plain hot dog.

 

Rey’s face twisted into one of concern when they waitress walked away.

 

“A _plain_ hot dog. That is the most unimaginative order I’ve ever heard, Solo.”

 

“This place gives so many fries, no way you’re gonna eat them all.”

 

 _Challenge_ _accepted._

 

“What if I regularly eat an entire basket of French fries and multiple chicken fingers several times a day?”

 

“Then I will be super impressed.”

 

Rey had fully decided to eat _everything_ but when the food came, her eyes went wide. It _was_ a massive amount of food. Even Ben’s hot dog was a foot long and crispy, he started loading it with fries and hot sauce.

 

“Okay, I will allow sharing on this occasion—“ but Ben was already stealing a handful of her fries with a smile. “But seriously, I’m not usually a _shares her food_ kind of girl.”

 

“Guess I bring out another side of you, then.”

 

_Oh man._

 

“I guess you do.”

 

When they had made a dent in their food Rey swallowed enough to get words out.

 

“So why writing? Why movies?”

 

Ben nodded, as if he had been expecting this to come up.

 

“They saved my life, movies. Stories in general you know books too but the visual aspect just— it’s such an escape.”

 

“What are you escaping from?” Rey asked softly.

 

Kylo had talked a lot about his parents, so Rey know how badly the Solo’s fought. How Han didn’t understand Ben, has even said some borderline cruel things to him. How his mother was too preoccupied or burnt out to really care.

 

Ben shrugged.

 

“Don’t all kids need an escape?”

 

Rey blinked in surprise.

 

“Sure but, is everything okay a home? With your parents and stuff?”

 

Ben bristled.

 

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

 

“No reason just, you know,” she shrugged, feeling like she had given something away. “Do you have any scripts written?”

 

Ben’s cheeks went a little pink.

 

“Yeah some stuff, nothing finished, but some ideas and works in progress.”

 

“Maybe you could show me sometime?”

 

Ben smiled softly at her, nodding.

 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

  


When they left the diner, he slipped his hand into hers and she thought her heart was going to beat out of her chest.

 

“My parents are still gone,” she said, buckling up. Ben’s head snapped up to look at her. The implication was there. “If you wanna like— _hang_.”

 

“ _Yes_ ,” Ben said, and his voice was lower than it had been before.

 

They were quiet on the ride home, the tension between them bruising in its weight and Rey _had_ to touch him so she slid a hand over and rested it on his thigh.

 

She remembered the look on his face when she took his hand in the movie, but there was no hesitation now when he put his hand over hers and held it in place.

 

They pulled into Rey’s driveway a few minutes later and she shot out of the car, taking his hand again and leading him into her house.

 

It was empty and quiet.

 

“They’re not home until late tomorrow night so,” she shrugged.

 

Ben was just standing there, breathing too heavily, eyes too dark.

 

Rey turned to face him and she lifted onto her toes, converse squeaking on the floor.

 

She put one hand on his shoulder and pressed a soft kiss to the side of his face. Then another along his jaw, then his chin.

 

Ben’s hands were shaking when they came up to her hips.

 

“Rey wait,” he said, and he looked like it hurt him to stop her.

 

“What? Do— do you not want me?”

 

“ _No_ , I mean _yes_ I want you, I want you so much but I— I have to tell you something. I should have told you earlier, or just not done it in the first place but I can’t have it between us if—“ he sighed, breathing out through his nose. His hands had left her hips, were balled into fists.

 

“I’m Kylo Ren.”

 

Oh. _Oh._

 

“Ben,” she said softly, and she couldn’t stop touching him, couldn’t shake the feeling she was trying to keep a horse from spooking but— if he was being honest she had to be honest too. “I know.”

 

His entire body went rigid under her hands.

 

“What? That’s impossible, but— how?”

 

Rey bit her lip.

 

“I kind of used your computer…”

 

“My? My computer? The computer in my room?”

 

Ben stepped away from her, he looked disgusted with her.

 

“I can explain, it was New Years and I got sick I just needed to lay down and I went in your room and—“

 

“Jesus Christ Rey. And you didn’t tell me you knew? With all the— talking about—“

 

She had never seen Ben flounder for words.

 

“Well you didn’t tell me either!” she shot back. “You were tricking me!”

 

“It’s not the same, you _knew_ that all of the things you told me were connected to Rey Johnson I didn’t— I didn’t want—“

 

“Ben, please, I’m sorry.”

 

“In my _room_ Rey,” he said, shaking his head at her. “I gotta go. I can’t— I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

 

“Ben please don’t go,” Rey begged, panicked. “Ben please.”

 

She grabbed for his shirt but he pryed her hands off, too angry to even speak as he walked out her front door.

  
  
  


Rey screamed. She had never cried so hard in her life, she felt like she was dying. People couldn’t survive heartbreak like this, could they? This was— this was the most awful thing to ever happen. And it was all Rey’s fault.

 

She collapsed on her bed in a heap and sobbed messily into her pillow for two hours, smearing eyeliner all over the pillowcase.

 

For once, was glad she was alone, she couldn’t stand it if someone else were around to witness her like this.

 

She ugly cried until she felt sick and then she put on Elliott Smith and curled into a ball.

 

They had gotten so close, _so_ close and she had ruined it. She shouldn’t have told him the truth.

 

But that wasn’t right. She should have told him the truth sooner, maybe? But Ben had been _so mean_ and Kylo was so nice to her it was dizzying. She couldn’t have given that up, it was the best part of her day.

 

He was upset that she lied to him and that she betrayed his privacy but as her head began to clear, Rey wondered if what he was really upset about was Rey knowing all along who it was being vulnerable, who it was telling secrets he thought were safe.

 

She wiped her snotty nose on her hand and slid from her bed into her computer chair. Both Ben and Kylo were offline, and Rey suspected it just meant she was blocked, so she went onto the main webpage to create a new screen name. Sure enough, when she added the names to her new buddy list, they popped up as online. She took a shaking breath.

  


**reysecrets** : I know you’re really mad at me so if you don’t wanna see me or talk to me that’s ok I just need you to know a few things

 

 **reysecrets** : I feel really dumb in class most of the time, especially around people who are so smart like you and rose

 

 **reysecrets** : I’m pretty sure I won’t get into NYU but I didn’t apply to a backup school because I’m an idiot with a death wish

 

 **reysecrets** : I never see my parents. They’re nice people and my life is fine I can’t complain but they don’t know me at all and I figure if they haven’t tried to get to know me yet, they probably never will

 

 **reysecrets** : I wanted to touch you so badly in the car today my hands were shaking

 

 **reysecrets** : I went into your room because I like you so much and you were always just… mean to me. I knew you didn’t want to even really be my friend and I wanted to smell your shirt and lay in your bed because I’m fucking creepy and I’m sorry

 

 **reysecrets** : I didn’t tell you because I thought you'd stop talking to me and Kylo was the only part of my day I looked forward to

 

 **reysecrets** : I wanted to go to that stupid dance with you, and hold your hand and be stupid and cute in front of everyone like LOOK I did it he’s mine

 

 **reysecrets** : because I’ve been in love with you since I was like twelve years old

 

 **reysecrets** : and I should have told you when you asked me that day in 7th grade

 

 **reysecrets** : but I was scared then just like I was scared now I’m just a terrified idiot

 

 **reysecrets** : and if I fucked this up forever I’m so sorry Ben I’m so sorry

 

 **reysecrets:** I’m just. Sorry.

 

 **reysecrets:** Okay. That’s all my secrets.

 

Rey bit her nail, blinking at the screen.

 

**Drum_Solo has signed off.**

 

**Kylo_Ren has signed off.**

 

_Okay._

 

Rey closed her eyes as a fresh wave of tears fell.

  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter count went up lol

_ Yeah, you're the cool of the water _ __  
_ You're the start of the summer _ __  
_ Keep me still like a anchor _ __  
_ In a storm you're the cellar _ __  
_ When I'm heavy with worry make me light as a feather _ _  
_ __ When I'm deafened by anger you're the song I remember

 

Entry Way Song by Bright Eyes

 

~~~~~~~

 

Rey made herself go downstairs after she sent the messages. It was dark out. She wasn’t hungry, not after the lunch they had, but she figured tea couldn’t hurt. 

 

She was still crying when she put the kettle on, still crying when she picked out a tea bag and put a mug on the counter, still crying when headlights flashed in the driveway. 

 

Her parents couldn’t be back a full day early, right? 

 

Rey gripped the edge of the counter as the engine died and she could see the outline of Ben’s car. She didn’t even have time to consider how much of a mess she was before she skidded into the entryway and threw open the door. 

 

Ben looked different than he had when he’d left. His eyes were red, his lips even plumper than normal. Had he been crying too? 

 

“I’m sorry,” she said, the words hardly more than a whisper, but Ben was crowding her, backing her into the house. She didn’t close the door but she heard it slam, Ben must have kicked it closed. 

 

He looked wild, eying her disheveled appearance before speaking.

 

“I shouldn’t have left like that I— I don’t do well with anger.”

 

“I know,” she said, and he tensed. “It’s okay, Ben. You’re here now.” 

 

Ben stepped back, putting space between them and yes, he had definitely been crying. 

 

“Did you mean everything you said?” 

 

“All of it,” she moved a little closer to him. “You can ask Finn if you don’t believe me. He teases me about it all the time because I just couldn’t let it go. I’m crazy about you. I just wanted to feel close to you, Ben, I swear I wasn’t trying to find anything out or spying.” 

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, and his eyes were full of tears now. “For everything at school, I was  _ such  _ a dick, Rey, I’m so sorry. I— I can be awful. I don’t like letting people in and you,” he cut himself off, swallowing. 

“In middle school, that one day when I asked you— I asked because— because  _ I _ really liked  _ you _ but you said— you know, that liking me was a  _ joke _ and that just sort of rooted—“ 

 

Rey started crying again, moving closer to him, hands on his chest, his arms. 

 

“Ben I was little and scared that you were going to make fun of me, I never meant that, I never—“ 

 

Ben’s hand covered hers over his heart, quieting her. 

 

“I still really like you, Rey Johnson.” 

 

_ Oh _ .  _ Ben Solo.  _

 

Rey felt a little like she was dreaming. 

 

“Do you wanna kiss me?” she whispered. 

 

Ben licked his lips, nodded.

 

“I might be bad at it. I’ve never—“ 

 

But Rey couldn’t care less, she leaned on her toes to reach his mouth and pressed her lips against his. 

 

Ben let out a soft little gasp against her mouth and his hand moved to her hip, gripping her tight.

 

Rey pressed soft little kisses against his plush lips. She slid a hand into his hair as he pulled her closer, slotting his body against hers. 

 

She licked his lips, pressing the tip of her tongue against his lips until he opened for her, and she tasted him.

 

Rey had not done any significant amount of kissing, but she wasn’t shy, wasn’t afraid to rub the length of her tongue along his, sucking it into her mouth. Their lips made a wet, slurping noise that should have made her giggle but just made Ben’s fingers dig into her hip harder and she wanted more, more, more.

 

The tea kettle whistled, startling them both. They jumped back as if they had been shocked, heads snapping toward the kitchen.

 

Ben moved first, getting to the stove before her and turning off the gas. 

 

She followed him, and then they stood silently for a moment, the momentum of their kiss broken and Rey didn’t wanna stop. 

 

She took Ben’s hand silently and tugged him, leading him out of the kitchen and back to the front hall and then up the stairs, to her room. 

 

She closed the door behind them and even though the house was empty, she locked it, eyes glued on Ben. 

 

He swallowed thickly and she saw his hands shaking, before he stuffed them in his pockets. 

 

Rey didn’t have anything to say as she got in his space again, touched his nose, the corner of his eye. She pressed a soft kiss to the edge of his mouth and used her hands to pull his out of his pockets. 

 

“Touch me again Ben,  _ please _ .” 

 

His hands found her hips again, dipping under her shirt this time, tracing her flesh, the sensation of his nails was sharp and perfect as they traced her skin. Rey whimpered and tilted her head up, silently begging for kisses. 

 

Ben didn’t keep her waiting. He pressed his mouth against her, lips parted slightly so he could lick the inside of her mouth. 

 

Rey pressed closer to him, slotting her body against his and searching with her hips for— 

 

“Are you hard?” 

 

Ben blushed, shrugging a little in embarrassment which was adorable because— come on. 

 

“Yeah,” he admitted. 

 

“Is this the first time I’ve ever made you hard?” 

 

Ben shook his head. 

 

“Tell me about another time?” 

 

They were still standing in her quiet room, and Rey was taking her time, touching his neck and his arms and kissing the skin where his collar bones stuck out. 

 

“The first time,” his hands were on her too, they were just softly touching each other, teasing and gentle and unsure. “I think it was summer after 7th grade, pool party at Kaydel’s.” 

 

It had been a fun day. They were young enough that the thrill of soda and pizza and splashing was enticing, and old enough that the idea of all that exposed skin was intoxicating. 

 

“You got up on Finn’s shoulders for one of those ridiculous games, and you were just like,  _ glistening _ ,” he sounded dazed. Rey let her fingers dip under his shirt and he shivered, pressing closer to her, head dropping into her neck. “Your legs, the way they wrapped around him I was so jealous— and so hard— so fast. I kept thinking about my head being that close to your pussy and I swear I almost came in my pants. I had to go inside and drink water to calm down.” 

 

“That’s fucking adorable,” Rey said, and her hands wandered lower, past his naval, to the top of his dark jeans. 

 

“And then it just kept happening,” Ben’s head rolled back and he sighed before focusing on her again. 

 

“Do you think of me when you touch yourself?”

 

Ben went stiff, she could see he was unsure, didn’t want to admit it— he blushed. 

 

“I think about you,” she told him, and Ben looked like he’d been cracked open before he leaned down and kissed Rey, pushing her back toward her bed. “When I touch myself, I pretend it’s your hands.” 

 

“Rey,” Ben whispered, following her onto her bed, leaning over her. He allowed his weight to drop against her, still holding himself on his arms but letting his groin press against hers, the heat there intense and new. 

 

Rey canted her hips and Ben gasped, surprised. His eyes widened. “I do think about you,” he said. “When I jerk off.” 

 

And oh— Rey would kill for this. For this power she had over him, for the look in his eye, for his body across hers. She whimpered and kissed him again before reaching down and peeling off her shirt. Shirts. Two layers, and she had to kinda push him back to get them off so it’s not graceful _at_ _all_ but then she was just in her plain black bra and she shivered a little. It was kind of see through, she hardly needed it, it was just for shaping, but Ben made a new sound, a croak, and she had to hold back a giggle. 

 

“Unreal,” he said, a trembling hand rising to tweak a nipple through the mesh and she hissed. 

 

“Sorry,” he said, looking horrified, but Rey had to blink before she could speak. 

 

“Again, Solo,  _ again _ .” 

 

Ben licked his lips, let his eyes flick down to perfect his aim, but then watched her face as he did it again. And again. She jerked, rubbing her thighs together. 

 

“It feels really good,” she confessed. 

 

“Can I see them?” 

 

Rey nodded, reaching behind her to unhook her bra, letting it fall away. 

 

“This is  _ so _ cool,” Ben said, distracted, gaping. Rey giggled, bringing him back to her and he swallowed, shrugging. 

 

“Can I lick them?” 

 

“If you want,” Rey said, dying for his mouth on her skin. Ben put a hand on her solar plexus and pushed her gently back down onto the bed.

 

He was hovering over her awkwardly for a minute before resting his weight between her legs, his erection pressed into her thigh. He leaned down and took a nipple into his mouth. 

 

Rey’s leg jerked, breath catching. Ben pulled up and looked at her. 

 

“Okay?”

 

She didn’t answer, just threaded her fingers through his hair and guided him back to her tits. 

 

Ben licked at her, teeth grazing the tender underside of her breast as he opened his mouth and covered her completely. 

 

She could feel how hard he was, feel his dick pressed against her jeans. She pushed against him and he faltered, his mouth going slack as his hips jerked. 

 

Rey did it again. Ben groaned and looked up at her. 

 

Rey had known Ben for a long time and she’d seen him so mad he’d punched a hole in a wall and passionately discussing literature and sneering at her over the lunch table but…

 

She had never seen Ben Solo look like that. 

 

He leaned down and kissed her, rocking against her. Rey took her hands and shifted his hips so he was between her legs instead and she jerked like she’d been electrocuted when he thrust again. 

 

“Does that feel good?” he asked. 

 

Rey nodded, writhing under him. It felt  _ good _ good. Really good. 

 

Rey knew they weren’t fucking, they had their pants on, hell Ben was still fully clothed on top of her, but the way he had to brace himself over her, the way his hips thrust, it felt like they  _ could be.  _ She could imagine how Ben would feel inside of her. 

 

She pushed his hair back out of his face, he was sweating, and kissed him again. 

 

“Ben you’re gonna make me— you know,” she told him. 

 

Ben huffed, surprise and amazement and disbelief and wonder and— he went faster, harder. 

 

The weight of his dick was right against the seam of her jeans and it was digging into her clit deliciously. 

 

“Want to,” he panted, “so bad.” 

 

Rey was close, she hadn’t cum like this in a long time, just rubbing against something, and the last time it has been her pillow, hand over her mouth to make sure she was quiet.

 

This was nothing like that. This was  _ Ben Solo.  _

 

“Ben,” she gasped. He cupped her jaw, eyes wide on her face as she convulsed, a white hot wave building to a singularity and then dissolving inside of her. She made a noise, half groan and half gasp and wrapped her legs around his hips. 

 

“Holy shit,” he said, watching her fall apart. He kissed her as she caught her breath and came back down. 

 

Ben was shaking, vibrating with pent up energy as Rey pushed his hips off of her, a little too sensitive. Ben looked discouraged, but only for a minute, because then Rey was unbuttoning his jeans. 

 

She looked at him, a question in her eyes. Ben nodded. 

 

“I want you to cum too,” she whispered, pushing his jeans and his boxers down. 

 

Ben’s dick sprung free. Rey’s eyes went wide. She had never seen one and it was so alien, so different from her own biology that she was suddenly stunned. 

 

“How?” 

 

Ben licked his fingers with a wet sound and then gripped his dick, still hovering over her, and began to jerk off. His eyes fluttered in relief and Rey cradled him, playing with his hair, watching his hand work roughly against his shaft. 

 

He started to breath faster, wrist twisting on the upstroke and he grunted. 

 

“Yes,” Rey encouraged. And that’s all it took, because the next second his face was screwed up in beautiful agony and he was cumming. She could feel the scorching heat of his jizz even through her denim. He whispered her name and buried his face in her neck as his cock continued to twitch and leak against her. 

 

Rey kissed every part of his face she could reach. His cheeks, his forehead, damp with sweat, his ears. 

 

He collapsed next to her, kicking off his pants but pulling up his boxers in a moment of self consciousness. 

 

Rey undid her jeans, kicking them off too since they were sticky, but leaving her own damp panties on. She pulled him close to her again, kissing his lips and his neck. They held each other quietly until they fell asleep.

  
  
  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Thank you guys for the wonderful response this story has gotten, your feedback has been such a boost! Now let’s lose some virginities!

“So,” Finn said, way too casual. “Are you and Ben gonna you know— _do_ _it_?”

 

Rey made a scoffing noise but her cheeks tinged with pink. She shrugged, flipping through dresses on the rack.

 

“I don’t know. My parents are going to some party in the city the same night as prom so… we _will_ have my house to ourselves.”

 

They’d talked about it, about _doing it_ after prom. The whole thing was such a cliché but they had done a lot of really intense making out and some _hands down the pants_ stuff that was clearly leading to something _more_ if they kept it up.

 

Rey wanted to. She really wanted to. She was— to put it in Poe’s terms— a total horndog lately.

 

Rey was addicted to the little sounds Ben made when she kissed him, to the way his eyes squeezed shut when she used her hand on him, his nails digging into her arm or her thigh. She wanted to spend every second of every day touching him.

 

Being apart from him actually _hurt._

 

At least they had AIM. They talked every night, sometimes all night.

 

He always brought her coffee on those days, when he kept her up all night telling secrets.

 

Rey was definitely, totally, completely in love with him.

 

She pulled another dress down and slung it over her arm.

 

“I’m gonna go try these on, stay close, I need your opinion.”

 

Finn hummed in agreement as Rey closed the dressing room door and began to undress.

 

“I mean, I know I want to. We’ve been together for a few months now. It’s not really a big deal, right?”

 

“I mean, it is and it isn’t. It’s Ben you know— whatever happens will be fine because you love him.”

 

“Yeah,” Rey said, stepping out of the dressing room in a light pink dress. Finn shook his head.

 

Rey went back into the dressing room, throwing the pink dress over the door.

 

“I don’t even know why I’m nervous. It’s not that I don’t want to I just— it’s stupid.”

 

She came back out in a long black dress.

 

“That one is _okay_ ,” Finn said. “What’s stupid? It’s okay to not be ready.”

 

“That’s honestly not it I just… I can’t imagine loving Ben any more than I do now and I feel like I will after we have sex. Like that’s a thing— all the hormones and stuff.”

 

Rey came back out in a forest green dress, the same color as her eyes.

 

“That’s the one, for sure,” Finn said. Rey checked herself in the mirror again. It was long but it had very thin straps and was low cut. She was small breasted enough that she could get away with the insane neckline, dipping halfway to her navel.

 

Rey nodded in agreement, and went to change back into her clothes.

 

“That’s not unreasonable, peanut, but I also just think like— the closeness you have now, the intimacy, you’re already there. And loving him more well? That’s not so bad, is it?”

 

Rey came back out in jeans and her hoodie.

 

“You’re right. Plus we’re going to NYU together next year, it’s not like he’s going anywhere. Unless he wants to— I mean I wouldn’t stop him if he wanted to break up with me I just—“

 

“Dude. Breath. He’s not breaking up with you? That’s bananas. He’s crazy about you.”

 

Rey sighed, relief coursing through her again. Finn was right.

 

“This is why you’re my best friend,” she said, grabbing the winning dress and heading to the register. She had her mom’s credit card for the occasion.

 

“I know, and I take the title seriously.”

 

“As you should.”

 

“You know what else I take seriously?”

 

“French fries?”

 

“French fries. We need them. Now.”

 

“We totally do,” Rey agreed, and  I so they set off to find some.

 

~~~

 

Of course Ben’s mom made them take about 9000 pictures at her house before, gushing about beautiful Rey looked.

 

Ben looked good too, she had never seen him a tux before. He looked older— a different kind of handsome. A hint of the future.

 

“Please be safe tonight,” Leia said as they were getting into the limo.

 

“Oh don’t worry, no one is drinking tonight, they’re very strict,” Rey told her.

 

“That’s not what I meant,” Leia said. “Ben has condoms, I don’t care if you are on the pill—“

 

“Mom!” Ben yelled, turning red as a tomato.

 

Rose, who had heard the entire convo, grabbed Rey’s arm, nails digging into her skin as she tried not to laugh.

 

“Oh uh— okay, right. No I mean we wouldn’t— we—“

 

“We’re leaving,” Ben said, pushing Rey into the limo.

 

Rose broke out in a fit of giggles once they were inside, and Rey smacked her playfully.

 

“Sorry wow that was— that was gold.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes, but in a weird way Leia’s blessing made the idea of sleeping with Ben seem less scary.

 

She didn’t want to think about it right then, though. She just wanted to party.

 

~~~

 

Prom was not as cheesy as Rey thought it would be. They rented out a big reception hall on a small lake. It’s the kind of place people get married, clean and shiny and with lots of fresh air.

 

There was a garden and lots of string lights and buffet tables everywhere.

 

It was cute, and she got to be with Ben, and everyone knew it— which made it amazing.

 

Despite what Rey told Leia, she definitely had a hip flask that she and Ben snuck sips from when no one was looking.

 

It wasn’t enough to really get drunk but it felt good to break the rules anyway.

 

Most of the music was pop songs and rap. The Ying Yang Twins and Lil Jon and Ludacris. At least twelve Black Eyed Peas songs played during the first hour.

 

But then Burn by Usher came on and everyone slowed down. Ben stepped closer to her.

 

“Hey,” he whispered, slipping his arms around her waist. She wrapped hers around his neck.

 

“Hi,” she said. “Thank you for coming with me.”

 

“It’s not even as bad as I thought it would be,” he told her.

 

Rey giggled. There has been a _shift_ in Ben lately. He was opening up to her more and more every day and he seemed less worried, a weight had been lifted and he was just— lighter. It warmed her heart to know it was because of her.

 

“I love you,” she said, and he leaned down to kiss her.

 

“Sorry about my mom before, I swear I didn’t tell her she— she just guessed.”

 

“It’s okay, it was actually kind of sweet.”

 

Ben rolled his eyes.

 

“God I can just see the two of you teaming up— terrifying,” but he was smiling. Rey kissed him again, leaning against his chest as they danced.

 

~~~

 

Rey’s house was empty when she let them in later that night. Her parents were gone for the night. They probably didn’t even remember it was prom.

 

Rey wasn’t complaining at the moment.

 

They were quiet as they climbed the stairs to her room.

 

Ben was breathing hard, and his cheeks were pink.

 

“Do you— do you still want to?” she asked softly.

 

“God yes,” Ben said instantly. “Do— do you?”

 

“Yes,” she said. “I want— I want you to fuck me.”

 

Ben took a shuddering breath.

 

“Jesus Rey, when you talk like that—“

 

Rey wanted this. Tonight was perfect, everything had been wonderful. She was feeling bold and untouchable. She knew Ben wanted her, wasn’t scared of him running and it made her brave.

 

“Does it make you hard?”

 

Ben swallowed, nodding.

 

“But I want— I want it to be gentle I— I don’t wanna hurt you or anything.”

 

Rey gave him a soft, watery smile.

 

“You won’t.”

 

“But you’ll tell me if I do, right?”

 

“Yes. I promise.”

 

She took his hands in hers and stood close to him, chest to chest. She leaned up to close the gap between them, wrapping her arms around his neck like she had done when they were dancing.

 

Ben’s hands gently ran down her back and then settled on her hips.

 

“This dress is fucking ridiculous.”

 

“You don’t like it?” Rey said, her tone teasing.

 

“I _love_ it,” Ben said. “I’ll like it better on the floor, though.”

 

Rey burst out laughing, leaning back to look at Ben. He had a goofy smile and a slight flush.

 

“You’re such a dork, oh my god. I love you.”

 

Ben leaned down and kissed Rey again, and her laughter quieted in her chest.

 

She moved her mouth against him as his fingers traced down her chest, following the low cut of her dress, raising goosebumps on her sternum.

 

Ben leaned down further to kiss her neck, his soft lips tripping their way down to her collarbones, then lower. The same path his fingers had traced just a moment before.

 

His fingers were at her shoulders now, and he pushed the straps of the dress down.

 

It slid off of her body in a shimmer of silk.

 

Ben drew a sharp breath, Rey was left in just a pair of lacy green panties.

 

He had seen her boobs when they made out, but she had never just _stood there_ half naked, being watched.

 

It made her squirm.

 

“I—“ but she doesn’t have anything to say, and she doesn’t need to, Ben is on her, backing her up to the bed.

 

Suddenly he’s on top of her. She _loves_ the weight of his body, the way he smells, the way his arms look when he cages her in, corded with muscle.

 

Rey caught his lips with hers and he settled his weight down over her. He still had the tux on.

 

“I love the way the tux looks but I am kinda worried I’m gonna get pussy juice all over it and it is a rental so—“

 

“Oh my god,” Ben said, laughing. “If you want me naked you know you can just say that, right?”

 

“I want you naked,” she said.

 

“You wanton woman,” Ben said, his face twisted in mock shock.

 

Rey swatted him playfully, laughing again.

 

But she was still squirming, the heat at the center of her body was radiating out in every direction. She felt electric and tender.

 

“Ben,” she whispered, kissing his neck. She could feel him tremble a little under her hands. “My Ben, my love.”

 

She helped him when he leaned back, pushing off layers and soon he was just in his boxers.

 

He didn’t say anything, just kissed her again, lining their bodies up.

 

They did this sometimes, nearly naked, pressed together, gasping and clutching.

 

But Rey wanted _more_.

 

She shivered as she hooked her thumbs into the band if he panties and pushed them down.

 

Ben lifted off her enough to let her get them down and he swallowed loudly.

 

He had never really had a chance to look at Rey, all spread out like this.

 

Two of his fingers moved between her legs, pushing inside of her and curling in the way that they discovered together, the second time they did this, that made her back arch.

 

“Shit, yeah,” she gasped, clutching at him.

 

“God I love when you do that,” he marveled.

 

“Do— do what?”

 

“Clench,” Ben said, curling his fingers again. Rey tightened around him again, her body squeezing down on his hands.

 

“Think about how good it’s— it’s gonna feel when— it’s not your fingers.”

 

Ben shivered and started fucking her faster with his hand.

 

She was breathing so heavy, she could feel his erection pressing into her hip when he moved to lay next to her, getting a better angle.

 

“Ben,” she groaned, it felt so good like this, his fingers were relentless. He was getting so good at making her fall apart.

 

They both were.

 

“Can I— _oh my god_ — can I touch you too?”

 

“No, I— I won’t last.”

 

Rey didn’t care, she was lost in this. She let herself be rocked, let the pressure building inside of her crest, and when Ben swiped his thumb roughly over her clit she yelled, muffling her cry into his shoulder.

 

“Yeah,” he whispered, moving his fingers relentlessly, until rey grabbed his wrist, shivering.

 

Ben pulled his hand out and then froze.

 

“I forgot the condoms, they’re—“

 

“I’m on the pill. And obviously I mean, I’ve never done this so… if you wanted I mean… I don’t think we need one.”

 

Ben blinked down at her.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, I’m— I’m sure. I want to.”

 

Ben closes his eyes, steeling himself.

 

Rey melted at his expression, gratitude and disbelief and awe.

 

Ben. Ben who she had known for so long— but who seemed so new every day. Gone was the sharp tongue and the brutally dismissive eye rolls and in their place was— looks of deep love, bewilderment, adoration.

 

“Please,” Rey said, “I’m ready. Ben I’m so ready. I wanna feel you.”

 

Ben came to life at her words, pushing his boxers down.

 

He moved between Rey’s legs, looking down at her. He gripped his dick, his hand tight around the base.

 

“You’re sure?” he said, again.

 

Rey didn’t answer, just put one hand on his cock and one in his hair and she pulled him toward her.

 

Ben kisses her quick, but then pulled back to look at what he was doing. He tucked his chin to his chest as he started to press the head of his dick against her.

 

Rey was dizzy with this, the sensation of him against her. It was like there were new nerve endings she had never considered when it was his hand.

 

Ben’s breath caught when he pushed inside of her.

 

Rey braces for the stretch, trying to relax her muscles.

 

Ben went slow, inching into her with gentle thrusts.

 

“Fuck you’re so hot down here,” he grunted, he was rambling.

 

“More,” Rey said.

 

Ben pushed in deeper and Rey looked down between their bodies. He was only halfway in and so big and suddenly she was sure he wasn’t going to fit.

 

But then Ben hooked a hand under her knee and angled her _just so_ and suddenly he was all the way inside of her.

 

Just like that.

 

They both gasped, stilling.

 

“Fuck, you okay?”

 

“God yes, so good, just uh— give me like one second.”

 

Rey blinked back tears, she wasn’t in pain she was just so, so full. Something inside of her felt _whole_.

 

She took a few shaking breaths and then rolled her hips, just testing.

 

“Oh fuck,” Ben said, and she had never heard his voice quite that low.

 

“You can move,” she whispered, but Ben shook his head.

 

“God I’m sorry, I’m just— Rey you feel so good.”

 

Ben sounded close to tears.

 

“It’s okay, we can do it again, and again, and again, just— Ben please— please fuck me.”

 

Ben groaned and lifted his hips, his rhythm was slow at first but he started to move faster— faster.

 

He was playing with Rey's clit already, so she knew he was close.

 

“Want to feel you cum on my dick,” he grunted, working the little button harder. His hips stuttered against hers.

 

He looked beautiful like this, broken by the weight of what they were doing. He was gasping and his lips were wet with spit when Rey leaned up to kiss him again. He groaned into her mouth.

 

“Rey I—“

 

“I know, me too, I’m so close.”

 

It wasn’t as much direct pleasure as his hands, but it was _closer_ and _deeper_ and _more_.

 

Ben rubbed her clit in tight circles and Rey felt a second, softer orgasm sweep over her. Her legs kicked out and she pushed her instep against his calves as her back arched and she gasped.

 

“Oh god yes, just like that,” Ben said, and then he cursed, fingernails digging into Rey’s arm. “Rey I— I’m gonna— oh my god—“

 

Rey blinked back tears again as she watched Ben cum. She felt it, the way his dick twitched and then the rush of heat inside of her, filling her.

 

It was so odd, so good.

 

Ben collapsed onto her, breathing heavy.

 

“I love you,” he whispered into her skin. “God I love you. Seriously if 8th grade me could know what we just did, he’d lose his mind.”

 

Rey giggled, holding Ben to her, not ready for him to pull out just yet, but he kissed her softly as he pushed up on his hands and gingerly left her body.

 

“God I’m starting to regret our decision to dorm now. If we had our own place—“

 

“When,” he said. “ _When_ we have our own place.”

 

Rey beamed up at him.

 

“Hopefully my roommate is chill, like sock on the door kinda chill.”

 

“We can only pray,” Ben replied. “But somehow I think we will manage either way.”

 

“You know Solo, I think you’re right.”

 

Rey kissed the whine from his lips as she got up to pee, feeling his seed dripping down her leg as she waddled into the bathroom, trying to ignore Ben’s giggle at her duck walk.

 

“Shut up,” she said through a laugh, “this is all your fault.”

 

“It totally is,” he agreed. “No regrets.”

 

Rey climbed back into bed with him a few minutes later and he spooned behind her.

 

“Thank you,” he whispered into her hair.

 

“For banging you?”

 

“No,” he laughed softly, “we’ll yeah but, I meant for not giving up on me.”

 

“Impossible,” she said, snuggling closer. “I would never.”

 

“Mmm,” Ben hummed.

 

“I’m glad Kylo IMed me, best thing that ever happened to me.”

 

“Oh yeah? Best thing?”  

 

“Okay second best, first best is that dickkk, show me what it do.”

 

“I’m going to sleep,” Ben said, but he was laughing, and when Rey rolled over to cover his face in kisses he let her, and so they laughed and whispered until sleep took them both.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading this story! Check out the links on my Twitter if you’re interested in supporting me :) 
> 
> If you don't already, follow me on [tumblr](http://r-e-a-l-m-a-t-h.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/violethoure666)


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